Breaking the Rules - COMPLETED

16: a mutual agreement

[Warning: Cursing ahead]

•Philophobia - fear of emotional attachment; fear of being in or falling in love•

Nate~

I never was someone who got jealous of someone who had a relationship. But now, seeing Matt and Emily happy together depressed me.
Because I know I can't have this. Most importantly I can't have that kind of affection, of love with Keytlin. . I admit it. I like her, more than I probably should. And not being able to do anything about it is painful to say at least.

Chucking the last bit of my drink down I stand up and leave Matt and Emily alone to devour each others faces. Can't they take this to a room? A private room? It's disgusting to watch them do this.

I stumble through the house as people are pushing against me. So many people here and the only person I can think about is Keytlin.

Why isn't she here? Why won't she answer any of my texts?

Keytlin. Keytlin. Keytlin.

It's like a chanting inside my head. I can't get rid of it no matter how drunk I am.

I promised my mom to not drink anymore. And here I am, not even being able to walk a straight line.

Go me. Not.

Inside the kitchen I refill my cup with water. I'm so tired. I don't want to be here. but Matt is driving and he is having fun. He didn't have fun since Emily broke things off. He deserves it.

As I'm leaning against a counter I think back at the conversation between my father and me today when he saw me in school today and pulled me into an empty room.

"You're just like me, Nathaniel", he had said. "Nothing good can come from you because you're just a worthless, stupid and useless pathetic excuse of a man.

"You always fuck things up, Nate. That's why you and I are so similar. Because we always are bad news."

Save to say I punched him and probably broke his jaw in the meantime. But I can't get rid of his words. Words that will always haunt me. Words that will never let me go. Words that just proof what kind of a guy I really am.

Because I'm just like him. I drown my sorrow in alcohol and hurt people when they tick me off. Just like I hurt him. Just like I hurt everyone else.

I tightly close my eyes as I lay my head down on the counter, sitting down on the barstool.

I can feel a headache coming. As always it starts at the base of my neck but it slowly crawls up until the pounding reaches my temples. The pounding gets worse and worse by the second until it feels like a whole marching band is inside my head.

I grab the side of the counter tightly until my knuckles start to hurt.

Why. Can't. I. Forget? I ask myself as I punch the counter lightly with my fist with every single word. Why. Is he. Still. Inside my head? I'm drunk. What else am I supposed to do to forget?

I try to take deep breaths when I realize how shallow my breathing actually is but considering the state I'm in, it doesn't work. I'm not usually having those kind of attacks, and they only ever come when I'm drunk. That's why Matt is always coming with me. To make sure I'm okay because clearly I can't look after myself.

You're pathetic.

My subconscious has a point there.

I don't even know why I'm drinking. It never leads me to forget anything. Alcohol only makes it worse. But just like every other human being on earth I hope that the next time it's different. That the next time finally works. That the next time I finally forget.