buzzed +- bts

chapter twenty nine [please]

The view of the city lights through the hospital windows gave me a sense of relief. Each sound from the heart monitor made my surroundings seem so far away, but I knew my troubles were here.

Everyone had left as night approached, promising to come back in the early morning to check up on me. The day was filled with little productivity and the conversation around the room changed topics frequently. Before I knew it, the topic of Yoongi and Taehyung had surfaced and Jess was quick to change it.

I tugged on the sleeves of the hospital gown as the air around me seemed to be getting colder and colder. All of the lights were turned off, engulfing the entire room in a still darkness, well nearly everything.

My eyes wouldn't rest as if sleeping for four days had finally managed to mess with mental state.

The door clicked, signifying that someone was coming in. I ducked behind the covers in case the nurses wanted to check on the iv's or the monitor. They had advised me to rest, but I was doing anything but that at nearly 1 in the morning.

I peeked over as light filtered into the room from the hallway, voices whispering to each other. Two tall figures sneaked in before closing the door behind them and making their way around to the side of the bed.

One of the shadowed individuals placed a rectangular object on the tiny tiny next to the bed. I closed my eyes, feigning sleep as the shadow hovered over me.

Their soft lips planted a gentle kiss on my forehead before they backed away. A pair of fingers were intertwined in my hair, soothingly playing with strands.

'Plane's leaving soon, we need to go.'

'She's so fragile, I can't just leave her...'

A grunt was the only response that came from the other person, a silence following after.

'I'll give you another minute, but that's it. We're already running late.' Footsteps stepped away and out of the room, the door shutting behind them.

'Please wait for me.'

Their grasp on my hand loosened until they completely pulled away, leaving me alone in the empty void once more.

-

I wasn't sure at exactly what point I had fallen asleep but the thought was the least of my worries.

'El, your mouth is open.' Quickly snapping out of my thoughts, I closed my mouth and continued to chew on my breakfast. A bright blush spread throughout my face once I realized that he had been watching me with my gaping mouth full of cereal.

'Did you get enough rest last night?' Jin looked up from his book, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

'Yes, thank you.' I wanted to speak out on the visitors who had come late into the night, but I couldn't spill the details. The box left on the stand was underneath my pillow with the wrapping still intact.

Both of us turned our heads when Jess came stumbling in, holding onto a small piece of notepaper and breathing heavily. Alarmed, I noticed that Jimin came in after her, panting hard as well.

'Did you guys go for a run?' I spoke around another mouthful of oats.

Jess's wild eyes switched between myself and Jin, taking in the reality that she was here and now was demanded to speak. Looking back at Jimin, he nodded his head towards my direction.

'I went to check in with the nurses this morning, and they gave me this. Someone left you a note last night.' She placed the paper gently on the side of the bed.

I placed my bowl aside and picked up the note gingerly, as to not damage it.

My eyes scanned the words sloppily scribbled down on each line, drinking in the information. It was a diary entry, but the year had been partially crossed out.

February 22nd, 19-

I found out that it was alright to be afraid. It's alright to welcome fear; it won't make you seem weaker than you already are. Sometimes it's ok to just let go.

She told me not to go. She never said it, but I could see the look in her eyes, the desperation sparking. But I didn't listen; I never did.

I drank myself to sleep. Blood and alcohol seemed to mix so well, but without her, I couldn't distinguish the two. I committed a crime once she left me, and now she's hurt. It must be karma, my old friend.

I couldn't walk, couldn't talk for a while. I didn't want her to see me in this state, so I didn't visit her but now it's different. It's now or never.

I'm running out of time and soon the plane to Bangkok will be arriving. My mind has become so logged and filled with intoxicating substances that I'm not even too sure what time it is. Everything is just a giant mess.

And it's my fault. I won't have time to fix it now, but I will soon.

I keep thinking on how much she wanted to escape from the world; to what extents she was willing to go. I wonder how it must have felt to pick up that knife and stare at your reflection bravely before running it into your body. Her body, the one I worshipped so much.

While she was in pain, I was sulking in my own selfishness. I thought she'd leave without saying goodbye. I thought she'd leaving without hearing me say 'sorry.' I had never been so terrified.

I thought she would leave without hearing me say the words 'I love you.'

It's alright to welcome fear, as long as you have love, it's ok to be scared.

It's ok, it's alright because I love her.

- M.Y.

My grip on the paper began to shake unsteadily, looking over each word again and again to confirm what I had just read.

'I didn't read it El, but I think you should put it down. You'll only hurt yourself even further.' Jess gently took the paper form my hands and I scrambled to grab for the large box that was sitting underneath my pillow.

Through blurry eyes, I quickly removed the wrapping, tearing at the paper without thinking twice.

I took the lid off and covered my mouth to hold in the cry..

My old ragged sweater had been stitched back together with both of our initials threaded into the breast pocket., along with a photo of us smiling in the snowy landscape,

He was gone and I wasn't sure when he would ever return.  

-

still gotta update some beep and stuff

oh! the new scenario 'book' is up and running, so take a look at that if ya'll are interested 

don't forget to drop by a request if you were wanting one

this chapter is not meant to make anyone cry

jk, i cried

-enjoy!

-elise