Say You Love Me

Chapter 1

I was tired- tired of bawling my eyes out for people. People only used me, mainly just for a roll in the hay. I was twenty-four years old and all I had accomplished was a sub-standard apartment and a job I didn't even like.

Everyday I'd come home to an empty apartment, save for a little mutt I found on the street, Beau. He was a tiny thing with fire inside him and very precious to me. His pointed ears would prick and his head would turn, as if asking me his silent questions. He'd wag his fluffy brown tail and almost smile. Beau made my heart flutter every time I saw his cute tail wagging. Sadly to say he was the only male happy to see me.

To be quite honest, I never liked the whole relationship thing- heck I hyperventilated every time I thought about settling down and commitment! But I had to admit to myself, I was lonely.

I was tired of singing the same old song. I was tired of one night stands and feeling like crap afterwards. You'd think I'd learn, but a girl's got needs right? I couldn't to the whole one man show, if you know what I mean.

But I was a slut, a whore; a cheap bitch and "wouldn't know love if it hit me on the head". But my own insecurities led me to screw up previous 'stable' relationships, sometimes I believed I would never been enough for a man, besides for basic pleasure, or so I was told.
I knew what I wanted. I wanted someone who worshipped the ground I walked on, I wanted a lover who was also my best friend. I just wanted someone to say they loved me and meant it.

Past relationships made me want to loose hope, but I wasn't going to be the girl that gave up all men because of a couple bad experiences. Scratch that, terrible experiences; embarrassing experiences.

I was done begging people to stay in my life. I was done degrading myself. I was done forcing 'love' or anything for that matter.
I am not going to say that, I wasn't bitter, if fact I was even called a 'heartless cold bitch' who lacked 'relationship skills, by my extremely clingy ex.

Truth is, I was afraid of showing more affection than receiving. I was afraid of being unsure of how someone felt about me. I was petrified! Afraid of being that clingy, annoying girlfriend, who gets jealous every time her boyfriend even breathed the same air of someone more attractive, some bimbo with double-d's and a figure models starved for. I hated being unsure and not in control.

I moved out, to pursue a 'better life'. A life I couldn't achieve living in my mother's house, in Lousiana. I needed to be my own person, so at eighteen years old, I moved out with what little money I had saved and rented my first apartment.

The move to downtown was easy, my mother helped. She was my rock. I remembered the day she helped me move like it was yesterday.

"Now honey, I know it's not much but I know you need your own space, and remember, if you need anything you can pick up the phone and call, even if it's just to chat" she said. I hugged her tightly, reassuring her I would be alright. "I love you mum," I said, the tears welling up. She helped me organise what little belongings I had and informed me she paid the first three months' rent and not to argue about it. Now, I was crying. She was perfect; a God-sent. "Thanks mum, I'll pay you back, as soon as I have a steady
job.".

Well that steady job didn't come for a long time and by the time I landed this secretarial job, my mother was gone. She had suffered from breast cancer, just a year before her untimely death. The cancer spread rapidly and took an angel away from me.

I only worked that stupid job because it paid quite well, but I was paying my brother, Kris' college tuition and every month I fished out big bucks to pay for
him, leaving me with enough to keep me afloat and to indulge in a little shopping every now and then. I loved Kris with all my heart and called him sometimes to check up on my baby brother and make sure he was on the right path, he did the same for me. He always asked how I was doing and even asked about Beau. We'd talk for hours sometimes just catching up. I really did love Kris, he was as sweet and caring as mum.

I was so unsure of what I wanted to do with my life. I envied Kris, he planned his life down to a tee and somehow everything was working out for him. I just took it one day at a time. When I was in high school, I wanted to a vet, then a chef, then a nurse. My career choice changed with my mood. Now I still didn't know. When I was in college, I wanted to be a fashion designer, then a marine biologist. My major always changed, until I just stood doing science and I.T.

To say my life didn't pan out the way I wanted, would be an understatement, but I got by with the grace of God. I was thankful for my brother who kept encouraging me and a few relatives who I kept in touch with, the ones who weren't judgemental,condescending bastards.

Every time I thought about my failures I got depressed, which was a lot lately. I knew exactly what I needed, a good run.
Tomorrow, I would catch the bus to the gym to renew my membership. I just had to clear my mind.

So tiredly, I dragged myself to bed after a long Thursday at the office and fell asleep, feeling content with my optimistic thoughts for tomorrow, grateful I didn't have to work tomorrow.