Say You Love Me

Chapter 8

"Show me your broken heart and all your scars,
Baby I'll take,
I'll take, I'll take,
I'll take you as you are."
-As you are, The Weeknd

After Dean, dropped me home, I got to contemplating. Maybe I should give this, whatever it was, a chance. Maybe it's time I stopped shutting myself off from things I deserved -from 'love'. Maybe it's time to stop being such a bitch.

Beau followed me into my room, and with aching limbs I flopped onto my bed, exhausted from today's activities. Beau curled up next to me in my bed and we both drifted to sleep, Beau's more peaceful than mine, unfortunately.

Jonathan kissed me passionately, bringing me into tight hug. His body heat enveloped me in a suffocating blanket. He kissed my forehead, smiling broadly. "Will you marry me Lena?" he asked with confidence in his voice. My eyes widened in horror and I stepped away from him. Jonathan eyed me nervously. "Why would you want to do that?" I asked. "Because I love you Katelena," he retorted, seriousness in his voice.

Sure it wasn't the first time he'd said it but I never said it back, yet he was certain I loved him. I liked him, but not enough to call it love- EVER. I could see the hurt in his cerulean eyes.

It scared me how sudden that hurt turned to anger. "You know what Lena? Fuck this! I pour my heart out to you and that's all I get? A fucking stupid question?" I was shocked, during the entire time we were together he had NEVER rose his voice at me. "You wouldn't know what the fuck love was, even if it hit you on your fucking head!"
"John, I'm sorry," I said, my voice barely a whisper. "No you're not! What is it you exactly want from me? What the fuck am I supposed to do? You know what? Don't answer, Fuck this, fuck you ! You're a heartless bitch and this time I'm really done!" and with that he stormed out of my apartment, the slam of the door echoing through my apartment. Then the waterworks began.

I woke up, drenched in sweat and a few tears escaping my eyes. I had that same dream a lot. It always started out so sweet, then turned into the nightmare of loneliness.

That was the second time Jonathan had proposed to me during the two years we were together. The first time he proposed, I gave him the lame excuse that I wasn't ready for marriage, which was very true and he had decided we should 'take a break'. I remembered, a week later, after he ignored all of my texts, showing up at his doorstep begging him to take me back and he did. But not the second time. That time he washed his hands clean of me.

He wanted to settle down; claim me. Jonathan was profoundly boring, he was all about kids and white picket-fenced Suburban houses but that was definitely not what Lena Harper wanted. We were polar opposites, which had me wondering why I was really with him.
I hated thinking about Jonathan, I always regretted the way I treated him. He worshipped the ground I walked on, but all he got from me was curt answers and a bad attitude. But I was too caught up in myself to realise, until it was too late.

Like they say "You never know what you have till it's gone."