Punk & Metal

I Don't Know Myself

MICHAEL POV

I stared out my window. I told the guys to not visit me, as I wanted to sit here by myself and wallow in my sadness and wound. The gunshot still hurt, but only a little. What was really aching was my heart.

The more I thought about Blake the more I began to rethink things. Had we gone too fast with us? Were we even a legitimate couple? I had only known her for a day as it is. To notions like these my mind would counter back with things like, "Remember? She's love at first sight," and, "There's no one else like her." I was stuck on an unbalanced opinion and the more I thought of it the worst it got.

I am in pain. I am a guy who is beating himself over his girlfriend who cheated on him and is now in a coma. Technically, in a twisted mind, this is the perfect situation. What if she gets memory loss? I could simply pretend that I never met her and we can go our separate paths, as if nothing had ever happened. If her memory were to ever come back I would simply move back to Australia and I don't know, dye my hair some crazy color. Maybe put a a feather in it.

But what if she did remember? What if every moment leading up to the accident was crystal clear in her mind? Would I confront her about it? Let her know that I knew what had happened and give her this whole speech about how I don't need that kind of stuff in my life? Or does she already know I'm aware of it? I could simply say, "Then you know what I want to do." and then BAM. Break up with her. Dump her and throw her to the wolves. Leave her to die in the bottomless pit of single, desperate men. She deserves that. Besides murder, robbery, and a bunch of other illegal crap, I believe that cheating is the worst crime of all. Why? Do you not even know what cheating is? Let me enlighten you, you blessed fool.

First of all, cheating is when someone in a committed relationship has an affair with someone else who is not their significant other. Now, take that in. Let it sink in your mind for a moment. That means that someone who actually is lucky enough to have someone like them, maybe even love them, has the fucking balls to go and have intimacy with someone other than that "significant" person. That sucks, right? That's literally taking that person's trust and being like, "Yeah, let me just throw this over the fucking fence and not give a shit about how you'll feel after you find out that I just fucked your best friend, buh-bye!"

So if it's that easy, simple, and black and white, why can't I do it? If I'm so sure of what to do, why don't I grab a sticky note and write, "I hate you, you cheating bitch. We're done." and stick that sucker on her forehead so when she wakes up she can get the message?

Maybe it's because I'm the nicest guy on earth, which totally isn't the case, or because life just isn't that simple. It could be, but most of the time, it isn't. Blake might have taken my heart, spat on it, threw it at the wall repeatedly until it was purple then tore it up but for some reason, some odd reason that I doubt anyone could explain but understand, I still want her to have it. Not exactly keep treating it the way she has, but care for it.

Honestly, I don't know anymore what I wanna do about me and her. Technically I shouldn't even worry about it because she's not even conscious right now. The universe can just decide to be an asshole, ruin my life more than it already has, and take her. Extract her from this cruel world we call earth and stick her with the playful spirits of the dead.

I want her to wake up though. As crazy as it sounds, I want her to open her eyes. And I want to be there when it happens. I want to be there by her bedside and catch the sight of her beautiful brown eyes first. As she wakes up I want to hold her hand and embrace her in a well-needed hug and tell her how much I love her and how much she truly means to me. In that very moment I would probably forget all of it. The lying, cheating, and pain that I've gone through in the past few days. I'd forget it all because I'm hopelessly in love with her.

Eventually, I got bored of staring at the window. All there was to look at was an ugly city, a sky full of clouds, and people that seemed to be able to carry on with their lives.

I decided I wanted to walk around. I grabbed crutches that were left by my bed and asked my nurse, who was conveniently down the hall, if I could go to the cafeteria. She said yes but as long as I didn't cause any trouble. I nodded with a smile and made my way down. People ate peacefully, either glancing from time to time on their phones or talking to family. Unfortunately, I left my phone in my room to be free of the distraction. Once I grabbed a juice I sat at a two seated table in a corner, not wanting to grab anyone's attention.

That's until I saw Derek walk in. I barely glanced up but I was able to catch his line of sight. Sure enough he walked over to where I sat, and took the chair opposite of me.

"You're Michael, right?"

I nodded and wriggled in my seat slightly.

"Yeah. Do you remember me? I kinda stormed into your apartment. I'm sorry about that by the way. I'm Blake's brother."

He outstretched his right hand to me and I shook it. We are now friends.

"So, why are you here?"

"I got shot in the leg."

He almost seemed to choke, "Are you for real?"

I nodded seriously.

"Dude, that's crazy. Are you alright?"

I nodded once more.

"That's good. I'm here visiting her. I always think I see her eyes flicker, but they never do." He chuckled to himself then pushed his dark brown hair back. He had the same eyes as Blake, but he was much taller, and older. I could see the tired bags under his eyes and the stress in the way he sat. I felt his pain. Maybe not in the same way, but to some degree. In this conversation, I could tell he was mostly talking to himself, just in my direction.

"I believe she'll wake up though. No doubt about that. She's a strong girl. No eighteen wheeler truck is gonna take her down." His eyes began to water and right in front of me, this man broke down and cried. I got up and consoled him. Just as he was about to finally catch his breath a nurse ran in and called him out.

"Derek!"

"What is it Ray?"

"It's Blake!"

~~~~~

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thanks for read btdubs :3

earth loves you

-Sj