Worth It

Chapter Eleven

You don't realise how special something is until you lose it. Always remember; never take anyone for granted.

Chapter Eleven

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'Hi Mum, I try to keep going on without you.

All I can remember your beautiful smooth face as I kissed your cheek and large brown eyes that were so thankful as we gave you your anniversary presents.The smell of jasmine as I hugged you or words of warning and staying safe as I rolled my eyes at your protectiveness.Mom you should of taken your own advice and stayed safe.

It's been a month since you died.You always told me to mot let the past take too much of the present and I now realise I am not doing that by allowing the last weeks of your death overshadow our beautiful bond. It's hard though mom. It really is.

For many my pain is yesterdays' news. But for me,it's a developing ache.Day by day my heart misses seeing your beautiful face wake me up for fajr prayer everyday.I miss your pancakes with chocolate chips and syrup that we made together every weekend.I just really miss you mom.You were the one person who supported me the most on my conversion to Islam.Mom,you are everything to me.And if I could do anything to get you back I would.If I could have one more day with you I would tell you that I love you so much every second if it.

The day I got the news about your death,my worst nightmare became a reality. Oh how I wish it was just a nightmare. I sit here and think how this should have never happened. It is so unfair, and it makes me so angry. Mom I know it's not your fault.Allah wrote this was going to happen and no matter what it would have happened.Even if you stayed home you would have died another way.But still it's just so unfair. Everything is just so hard. I don't know how I do it.

I would do anything to go back in time. I miss your smile that would light up a room, how loving, caring, and supportive you always were. Mom you were the type of person that would go out of your way for others. And that is what I try to do. You were my biggest fan for everything I did, whether it was my first ballet lesson or cheering me on at a dance competition, whatever I was doing you were there in the front row with your camera. I just feel so lost and empty without you mom. You were honestly my best friend and I just wish I could tell you just one more time that I love you and thank you for everything you did for me.

Everyday is such a struggle without you. You always made everything so much more special and without you nothing is the same. I feel so empty inside mom. I really do. Some days I honestly don't even know how I get through the day.

In the airport you cried so much and you didn't want to let us go.Its as if you knew you were going to die.I still remember your tears and your dried skin as I kissed your cheek.Your beautiful voice telling us to be careful.It just kills me what a hypocrite you are.Why didn't you be careful?Why didn't you take your own god damned advice?

I remember seeing your beautiful smile before you left.How your skin tasted like salt because of your tears. And how you tucked into dads shoulder as you walked into your gate.Hand in hand.

Its amazing, isn't it?How someone can remember every single detail about the person they love before they die.

Mom I can only hope that you are safe, happy, and at peace in heaven.

The day you passed away still feels so fresh, and the sadness never goes away. The heavy heart I carry everyday longs to see you, longs to hear your laugh, and longs to have you near. All I am, I owe to you.

I never thought this would ever happen.I just thought you were my mum,you are always going to be here no matter what.I never thought you would just go and leave me.It almost believed like you were programmed to always be home when I came home from school.Or from a night out or even the shop around the corner.I didn't think you could just leave me like that.