Worth It

Chapter Twenty Seven

Chapter Twenty-Seven

They tried to bury us, they didn't know we were seeds.

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"The thing about life is that it really doesn't care about you. It doesn't care that your mother or your cousin died. It doesn't care that the company you worked years for ended up bankrupt or that you're going to lose your house. It moves on. It expects you to move on too. So that's what you have to do, move on. You have to pick yourself off the floor, and remind yourself why you're here to begin with. Kneel down and put your head to the floor and cry to Allah. Cry to your creator. Ask Him to show you the way. But most importantly, trust his plan. We plan, He plans and He is the best of planners."

I felt like the biggest hypocrite as I posted after months of being inactive on my blog. I couldn't think, or feel or care to think or feel for the past few months. I just couldn't do it anymore.

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"I was in love with him Alanna" Amirah broke down as if those words were the last she could ever say. She shook her head repeatedly and closed her eyes tightly as if that would hold the pain back. I put my arms around her and tried to hold in my tears, there was no use in crying anymore.

All I could do is pray. Pray for both of my dead loved ones.

I didn't know how to comfort her. I didn't know why I wasn't the one who was being comforted. I didn't even know she loved him. I didn't know anything.

I didn't know anything.

It's been days, it's been weeks and it feels like one hour has gone past. The days have been dragging. The minutes have been torturing me. The pendulum of pain has been banging on my skull continuously. It's long fingers of dread teasing my soul, tickling my heart with memories of their faces.

I woke up today, I felt Shaitan holding me back. I felt him seducing me with the comforts of my bed as I tried to get up for Fajr. When I had finally convinced myself, he reminded me how cold the water is going to be and how I wouldn't be able to regain my blissful sleep once had fully gotten. I struggled, drunk, on the verge of sleep until I fought with my demons and unleashed myself from their grasp.

I prayed.

The phone rang repeatedly reminding me that it was time to pray. I looked towards my closed curtains. They've been closed for a long time now. Its prayer time but my room was a mess. My clothes adorned the floor. My soul scratched the walls. My soul felt like it was no longer in my body. It was watching me fade away. It was prayer time. It was prayer time.

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"The things I've learned about death are unfortunately too little. One being that death is truly the only certainty in life (Descartes spent his entire life finding that out) and two being that it is truly incomprehensible.

All you can really do about it is try to forget and try not to let the unbearable pain be too unbearable.

Although sometimes you might get a whiff of jasmine out of nowhere and remember how she always smelt that way. And sometimes you might hear his laugh in your head and feel the clump in your throat and sometimes you feel a sting in your heart and remember that someone you love passed.

And that's all there really is to death. You try to forget and then you remember and then you cry and then you try to forget again and you remember and you cry and that's all there really is to it. For the rest of your life that's all it's really going be. "