To anyone that wonders if I'm writing about them: I am

EIGHT

So it's been a while since I last wrote, not that anyone really reads this but myself.
I have learned so much, I'm better emotionally now.
I wanna help you know? Because trust me there are lots of people (specifically girls) out there going through what I was and not having anyone to lean on. I just wanna be there to help give advice to kinda let anyone out there know I'm here for you sis, if no one else is I am.
   Basically in the beginning of this "book" I was really in a bad place. I was hurt so very badly by a "close friend " we were like sisters and I was so mad. She crossed me so badly guys it's not even funny, and for a whole 8 months (yes I counted BC that shit was so fucked up) I was mad I was so angry, so I wrote and it helped me. Then as this "book" progressed I started talking about people who are like poison where you just can't get enough. Well you see that was about a guy, a guy who had so much potential and really really liked me he actually genuinely seemed to care about me and I just never figured it out. Finally at the end of where I seemed to leave off, it was about a guy I care about so much, and yet he still doesn't know and he and I had gotten into a big petty argument that's over now of course, but I just wanted to update so that my advice will make sense.
      If you don't know anything about me I'm currently a junior in high school and last year , boy it was so hard. I'm not gonna lie anger and sadness were my two best friends, but it made me realize a lot of things about myself and who I am today. I am strong. I'm a fighter and I refuse to give up on anything worth fighting for. So with that being said here's what I've learned this past year :
  • it gets better sis
Yes people will cross you and fuck you over and leave you in a horrible depressed reck but please for the love of God, hear them out and forgive them. Ok this took me so long to realize but forgiving isn't for them, it's for you. You get over things way faster after you forgive someone for the wrongs that they have put you through no matter how bad it was. ( trust me mine was soooo bad ) and sometimes it'll take a long time but I ensure you things like this are worth the wait.
The girl that was once my sister my best friend we are back on track now. Some may say she came when it was convenient for her, o well I'm personally just glad to have her back. It's hard to lose a friend more than a significant other sometimes and it hurt me for so long but I forgave and I trusted in God and I never lost hope. NEVER LOSE HOPE. Because it gets better.
The next thing I learned was :
• if you have anything to say please say it
I really regretted not telling that one guy how I felt, because I later learned how he felt about me. Guys he was perfect. You know the guy nobody really likes that everyone thinks is a fuckboy and an asshole, well that was him but he was everything opposite to me. He was always on point when I saw him and never failed to make me smile. I still sorta regret not telling him how I felt/ feel but I have closure. The only thing I wish that I didn't have to deal with is the unfortunate feeling of "what if". What if I had told him how I felt, what would things be like now? What if he still cared about me, what would things be like now?
I'm not gonna lie, at first I was petty when he got a girlfriend. I talked badly about her amongst myself and close friends. Until one day it hit me; I did this to myself. I put myself through this, I could've had him but I don't and you know why I don't because I never spoke up . I never told him how I felt. I still do sometimes get butterflies when he speaks to me, and I am still very attentive about where he is, but the feeling is gone. I don't desire to be with him anymore because of who he has become. He is now every single negative thing I have ever heard of him, and I no longer want to be apart of it I want to help him. I feel sorry for him, he's lost his WOW! He's sad now and he's gone downhill and I only wish the best for him. But still I often come across the "what if?" What if I was with him? And could help him through all of this, would he be better? Nicer? Happier? Would he care? All I want to know is does he still think of what happened and what could've been, that's literally all I want from him is closure.
       So sis, or even bro; please I beg of you, if you ever like someone have something to say or need any advice DO NOT BE AFRAID OF WHAT ELSE IS TO COME. Please speak up. I feared rejection, and then had to watch the one good guy the one "perfect" guy slip away and move on and not care right Infront of my eyes, and it was hard. But if I could re do it all I wouldn't change a thing, because I learned my greatest lesson. Speak up for yourself, support yourself , be your own #1 fan because literally no one else will be. And I'm better now because of this.
In all of my hard times from this past year, the last thing I learned was:
•pain is only temporary
So the last part, where I initially "ended " my "story", was about a guy as well. (Boy do guys just come in our lives and mix things up without knowing at all :) ) this guy though, he's different. He actually means a lot to me and I hold him as a high prize. He's that guy that you brag to your friends about as if you were in a relationship with him but actually aren't in one. He's the only exception. The one person I can confide in (as a male). The one person I'm not ashamed to be myself around to show myself the flaws and all and I know he won't dislike me for it. I care about him a lot and he can be really confusing. He used to tell me all the time "I love you"  " you mean so much to me" and then the petty argument happened.
     Things weren't the same after that. It's like we are in a really close relationship but don't want to be anything more than friends, and I'm fine with that now but before I was hurt. I wanted to know why if someone cared so much and loved you so much why wouldn't they want to stay, and be with you. Then I realized, we are young and that's commitment you can't ask for from someone. And friendships like these can't and shouldn't be jeprodized  by pettiness.
He talks to me about other girls and I tell him about other guys but , it's weird because of how I feel about him and how he acts towards me. I think however it's healthy for us to just remain as close as we are now until I'm ready to accept it. He's the only person I will not just flat out say I like them to, because I feel how I did with "mr perfect" around him. It's the way he looks at me and talks to me. He told me he cares about me and he'll always be there for me. And let's not forget that he loves me, well I love him too. I'm glad I have someone like this, while I may be unsure about how I completely feel about them I'm glad I have someone to fall back to, to support me.
     Sometimes a person is great and compliments  you and you guys would be great but, they aren't good for you. Someone else is out there trust me. God only gives you someone when you need them, and he puts the right people in your life for the right moments. When you are crying over that sorry boy who broke your heart through a text, remember this. When you are mad at yourself and wanna harm the person who destroyed you emotionally for a long time, remember this. When you constantly beat yourself up over the one that got away; and are still afraid to tell them how you feel , remember this. Finally when you don't want to admit how you feel about a person and are scared of what a relationship or what the future may hold , remember this.
Pain is temporary, you'll get over it sis. Tomorrow is a new day, you have the opportunity to smile again sis. Life goes on , explore the world and see what beautiful things God has in store for you sis.
Don't sit around angry at the wrongful acts of someone else sis, be happy and I assure you happiness will find its way back to you.
    Thanks for coming along with me on my journey to happiness, I overcame so I know you all can overcome whoever is reading this.
With much love,
                              Llogan ❤️