To anyone that wonders if I'm writing about them: I am

27

you know I don't know how to do this.
I don't know how to be okay with things I'm not used to having to be okay with.
There are certain things about myself I'm still learning to control. Things about myself I don't like. Things I am learning to live with.
That one night you really hurt my feelings you told me if you didn't care I wouldn't hear from you until the next day.
I haven't heard from you and here we are on the next day.
It's things you do that I don't like.
If I could, if I gave myself the permission to tell you all the things you do that make me angry I would. But I don't.
You're very friendly. And I like that about you.
I'm always here to you. (Yes you read that correctly)
I'm always here, to you.
you're here when you're bored.
You have other friends who fill those gaps in between.
We went out and you were bored.
With me.
With your friends, the several other girls you drive around; you never run out of fun.
There are people you hang with. People you're friends with that I don't like. I don't bother them. I keep my distance because I've seen the fake and met the phony and if you are bffs with the fake then I can't with you either.
I guess I still haven't learned that guys don't know and can't read your fucking mind and sometimes I wish it was that easy.
That you shouldn't be possessive over people because they're still allowed to have separate lives, but I'm selfish. And yes I know it's not a good way to be and I'm working on that but it's hard. Very. Hard.
That somehow you could read my mind and know wtf is wrong and that I won't have to fucking explain or something.
I don't like help
I don't like to communicate
I don't like confrontation with people that I fear I could lose
But,
For some reason you strike me as someone fraud
You fake it
You fake the fun
You fake the happiness
You fake the care
You fake it all
And one day
I'll understand how to communicate and be kind and all that, but because I know the problem and don't wanna fix it
I'll leave this here:
Sorry I couldn't be for you what they all are.
Sorry I'm not enough for you to be satisfied with me.
My apologies aren't apologies, they are not sincere sorry's from me to you. It's from you to you and maybe one day I'll have fun
Fun I consider without the drugs everyone around me loves to do, without the delusional ass situations I craft in my head to validate me acting weird, without being unable to sleep every night because silence is only found for me when everyone is sleep and in the silence I find peace, without being afraid to live and conduct my daily life because everything fucking terrifies me and I have to carry dumb ass prescriptions with me just in case everywhere I go. Maybe one day I won't cry myself to sleep every night, or constantly depend on others for happiness. Maybe everything will be okay one day. And when that day comes, you better watch out.

-Llogan.

I wrote this, a long time ago from a place of anger and sadness.
I knew this was going to happen I knew one day I would have to let you go.
I held on for as long as I could and now I am in a place of regret.
Regretting my impulsive 3 am conversation with you than ended us and I am hurt.
I don't know why I am hurt.
I told myself I didn't love you as much as you loved me. That I couldn't of loved you as much as you loved me that I was the problem that I was not enough that I.
It always began, ended, repaired, came down to me.
I blamed me.
It was selfish of me to assume you leave those who have supported you for all of your life for someone new. It was selfish of me to want so much from you.
But I think it was so selfish because I gave so much to you. And I didn't know it, neither did you.
I apologize and I sulk in sad and I live in the darkness because literally if I do anything, it is everything.
If I Love I put all of me into it. I pour my soul into things. I leave everything else behind and I hope that the other person, I hoped that you would too.
This is the same part I've messed up with the last time. But the last time. With the last person. I wasn't in love.
This isn't Love like all I love everything about you because there are things I deeply dislike.
The deal breaker however, was when I began to know less and less about you and you began to know more and more about me.
You don't know that I've been broken for months.
Trying to tear pieces of myself off to make things work.
Things I thought I knew. Things I do believe you had no idea of.
I never doubt that you weren't completely honest with me.
That you loved me.
That you may still in some form in some part of your heart and life wish to include me.
I don't doubt any of this.
But I tend to forget me. In all the love I was so determined to give you. I think I lost me in trying to love you. And then it became I lost me completely in loving you. And now, another night past my bedtime. Another night where I confess my emotions at 4 am because I believe I can sleep and recover and in the rest of the day find myself again. I don't think this Time I made an impulsive decision.
This time I think maybe I tried.
I didn't wanna leave. I held on to you. And your sunshine because I didn't want to lose something I think I'll never find again.
I didn't ask to be liked.
I told you everything about me, things I buried away and tried to even forget about myself. You know everything about me. And right now you know me more than I know myself.
And I keep thanking you because I don't think you'll ever understand where I was.
Wanting to die. Every. Single. Day. And then suddenly finding something in someone to look forward to seeing. I looked forward to school again. I was excited to go to class and practice because I knew you would be there.
And this hurts so bad because I don't wanna forget you.
I don't want you to become some memory or bad story I tell later on because something went wrong.
I understand why you kept your friends so close now. They hurt me too.
I wanted to fit in amongst the crowd. And I felt out of place. I felt like I couldn't possibly amount to the significance of your friends. I don't know if you know but that hurts too.
I realized I couldn't compare where I didn't compete and you lost me when I gave up on the race that was not a competition, it was just a walk in the park. And I wish. I wish I could've written this and sent it to you, and we could've fought this time both of us not just me using every single piece of my heart trying to string your mind along to some big idea of what I thought you might get. Making up scenarios and speaking about "other people" in an attempt to make you understand it was some things about you I didn't know how to love. And I didn't know how to go about them.
The guilty part comes in where I feel as though I wasn't appreciative enough. Because part of me believes you found a way to love all the parts of me. In the dark. With you being the only light. And if you could do it then why the hell was I unwilling. But I don't think I was unwilling. I think I wanted to know how and still want to know how but can not seem to let go of the bad to figure it out. For that I do sincerely apologize.
I think we could still try. And there's never too late for anything but I have This horrible feeling that what's done is done and after a while a person gets tired of another persons bs and I need you to be tired of mine. I don't know how to let go. I fall with no regards to standing back up. To picking myself up and putting all the pieces together again. And I blame me. And I blame you. Because we can fight. And we can repair and we can fix but we aren't and I feel like it's the right thing to do. But I don't want it to be. I want this to be some sort of thing where in a few years we meet again. At sonic. At school. I'm the park. In the store. Now maybe, now. And we make amends. And we live again. And we laugh again. And we have fun again. I wish I could turn on the lights in the dark but I gotta find my own sunshine. And I think you deserve to spread yours too.
One last thing.
I'm a peculiar being. I know this. I don't ever make up my mind and I hate making decisions because almost after any decision I regret it.
the smoking thing bothered me a lot, but you can not change a person to paint them perfect for you.
I don't know if it was more of a "I can't " or an "I'm not willing to" situation. But I rlly didn't/ don't/ don't think I will ever like it. But I love you. So I supported (still support bc you have a part of me ) any and everything that you do.
I cried so much throughout all of this that it only took me a few hours crying on my bathroom floor to feel like I don't have any more tears left.
I feel empty but these are the choices I brought upon myself.
AND IT KILLS ME. BECAUSE WE CAN STILL FIGHT AND FIX THIS. but I don't know if either of us even want to. I don't know if this is what's best. It doesn't have to be like this. We don't have to cry. I don't even know how you're feeling. I don't think I've ever known how you were feeling. I just know it felt good to have someone. There for me. Someone I could count on that would protect me and my heart even if they broke it a few times without knowing that they did so. I gotta grow up. And I gotta stop blaming others for me. And blaming me for others.
But I still have hope. This can still be repaired. Even if we just need to take a moment to find ourselves right now. Time heals all. And I do genuinely believe that what's meant to be for you, will be for you no matter how far it may wonder away from you. So maybe this is just our wondering. Maybe we work better as good friends. Maybe we need to be good friends to remember who we were. I think I can revive myself if we could go back and start at the beginning. Back to 11th grade. Back to the first interest meeting and auditions. I can find me through losing you. And as not okay as I am with that, it's a sacrifice I need to do right now.
I'll still take you to my mountain top.
We can still have our farm.
I'm still gonna keep your bear in my presence to always remind me of the good in everything.
I'm still going to pray for you and I hope you still pray for me.
I'm still going to send you funny things I find and text you every immediate thought of mine with no intentions of you responding back.
I've broken my heart a few times and I hate to say that this time hurts the worst. But I am very faithful that we will be okay again. We'll be back again. In all due time.
So, remember:
I love you.
I know you're hurting too.
a little time heals everything.
I believe in you.
Everything is going to be alright.
We can still get that a+.

- from the darkness you found sunshine in,
                                                Love,
Llogan ❤️