To anyone that wonders if I'm writing about them: I am

15.

I hate how people can say "I love you" and it doesn't feel real.
There was this guy
My friend actually, who tried to be "more than" friends with me
We were "talking" as some may call it but it didn't last, no one really tried.
Well, I did but I often find myself saying neither one of us did because I know he didn't .
I wanted it to work out so bad man
You don't understand I really liked him.
My friends, bless my friends
I'm not sure if they hate him or approve of him but sometimes they seemed to think he was trash.
Pure trash and I saw him different, the 2a.m.
"Just tell me anything about yourself" calls , the "how was your day" undivided attention calls
I felt good to feel like for once someone genuinely cared, and I would've appreciated my "friends" better if they supported my happiness too.
I learned to get over their opinions, I support them, they should support me
DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU DIFFERENT.
Point. Blank. And the Period.
He used to tell me all the time " I love you"
I mean he still does but when I felt it man,
It felt so real.
It felt like I had his heart in my hands,
Like he was completely vulnerable.
But then he stopped.
When I felt as though he really loved me, when he looked at me like he really loved me ( sometimes I catch a glimpse of it)
I didn't question it
Now though
I don't understand it
I wanna cry so bad
Literally I hate that I love or think I love or question what love is because I'm so in love with the thought of who he could be and who we could be together, but the thought of who he is and who I am without him and how I am "okay " makes it all worse.
I love him, I think
I think I know that I love him
I think he knows too, but he does not love me.
So it seems.
What is love?
So I've known it to be, it consists of tears, unhappiness, and fear.
Fear that there is no loyalty or genuineness
Tears from fear
Unhappiness because of the pressure to be someone better to keep the person you fear you've already lost.
I don't feel happy, I'm in love with the thought of someone who is no longer there.
He calls me often, then goes for days without speaking to me.
I read a quote once and it said " if someone is comfortable and okay without speaking to you atleast once during the day to make sure you're okay, then they don't actually care."
That makes it seem like they'd be comfortable with you being dead.
Lol the person I like to deny that I love is comfortable with me being dead, how cute.
Why does love hurt?
Why is there pain?
He has some sort of fucking restriction on me and I want it to end.
I'm tired of asking " what is this and why me and all of this other bullshit"
He avoids the question
The other day he told me " you know we have this understanding that people don't get but you and I do and that's why we work so well, we know eachother so well" little does he know he's the only one with this fake ass understanding
Here's the summed up version of our unhealthy ass toxic ass relationship in a sentence.
"Boy "loves/likes girl a lot but does not want to date her, but also does not want her to be happy with anyone else because he may love her in the future, but the thought of her being happy (although he had the chance) with someone else cripples him; however he can not say so, rather he has the girl love puzzled and unhappy until he finally makes up his mind."
More like a damn paragraph right?
I hate him
Sometimes I actually mean it.
I hate how I feel wrong if I like someone else because "he might come around or he may feel bad"
I hate it
It was commitment
This bitch ass boy didn't want to commit to me
How dare someone
How dare you
How FUCKING DARE YOU
LOVE ME , CLAIM YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME AND THEN TAKE IT ALL AWAY
HOW FUCKING SELFISH
I'm holding back tears now
Actually I'm crying
I've done all you could think
I've deleted numbers
Threads
Denied calls
Avoided speaking to him
All of the above
I'll never block BC that's rude
We were on FaceTime and he called me a "BISH" it sounded to close to bitch so I warned him not to go there with me and he goes " I never call my female friends bitch I only say BISH"
Ouch
I like to think of myself as special
A prize
Not another girl competing for some little ass boys attention
My friends are reading this
Please help me
I'm in tears at 2:44 a.m
In my room dreading my sister coming back from the bathroom because she'll see my tears and I'll have to explain I'm not okay but I can't speak
Please help
I'm dying
He's mentally internally killing me
And I need help
I need out
I didn't sign up for this
The verse of the day isn't about this
Please
Help
Me
I'm begging
I need him to know this
I need him to know he's killing me
I need him to know he's making me feel bad if I like someone else
He's restricting me
I need him to know he's affecting my happiness
I need him to know that our friendship won't be the same
That he's hurt me
I need him to know that I want him to suffer too
I need him to know that it's wrong to play with someone's feelings and I love people I give them my all and when they leave they take all of me with them
I need him to know I'm not the same me
I need him to know these things
Please
I'm
Desperately asking for you to tell him
You know who I'm talking to
It's you
And I'm thanking you so much
Thank you so much
I love you, and I mean it unlike him
He said it a lot
He claimed a lot
He said shit to me
He got to me
But I no longer believe a word that once escaped his lips
A lie
It was all a lie
Love lasts sis, and this wasn't it.
Don't question yourself, a queen is already a queen before there is a king.
My crown is a little damaged, I sent it to be repaired.
Maybe when it gets back I'll be happy again.
3-5 business days, I'll be back to normal
And so.will.you.
Stay beautiful
- Llogan❤️