To anyone that wonders if I'm writing about them: I am

28.

do you know how it feels?
To love
And give it all
Even when all you have left is just a little piece of your soul, but you give that too
And you hope that this Time maybe they'll spare you
And they'll give you a piece of them to grow again
They'll plant love in you and let you bloom.
Do you know how it feels?
To have all your friends suicidal
To cry every night before you go to sleep
To drive yourself crazy overthinking and hoping maybe that this Time it's just because of your period
Do. You. Know.
What it's like to constantly explain your feelings and have the one person who needs to understand them not get them at all
To live in a lie?
To be lied to?
To constantly convince yourself things will turn around for the good this time?
Do you know?
That you're breaking me.
Every time I think I'm good
And I'm gone
And that my heart doesn't hurt or yearn for you anymore you find a way to pop back into my life
Do you know how hard it is to unlearn a person and yourself at the same time.
To speak to someone everyday and then finding the strength to just stop.
It hurts if you didn't know
I don't think you cared long enough to see
I spent so long telling you how I wasn't enough.
It's you.
And you still don't care.
That's the worst part.
I'm here as convenience.
How was my day?
Thanks for wondering.
It was shit.
did I eat?
Barely, I don't have money to.
Am I okay?
No.
I'm glad you cared.
So, next time when you're out doing you and you come home late at night ready to message me just know I'm not there anymore.
Because I was there for so long, and I don't even think you noticed I left.
So thank you, for being the biggest sign that I needed to love myself.
And find the pieces of the puzzle I've lost in so many people like you, to put me back together
Because I've fallen apart
And this time it was bad
I just hope that one day when I look back I didn't have any regrets.
That I shamelessly, embarrassingly, sadly loved you
And it was even more embarrassing, shameless, and sad when I let you go.
So I hope you don't die, and I wish you well
But,
Next time,
Please don't abandon her
Or allow her the space to create answers for herself.
Don't pretend to be another person to impress her
Don't limit your speaking
Don't think gifts solve everything.
Learn words and
Communicate them.
And maybe she'll stay.
O God, I hope she stays.
But I have to leave.

-when the soil became too toxic for the flower to bloom.

I'm tired of the fucking games
Literally I say the shit so fucking much it's like what aren't you getting
Why the hell do I gotta keep saying it
Why the fuck haven't I stopped saying it
Why I do I feel like I gotta constantly remind someone how to be a decent individual and not treat another person shitty
I don't fucking understand
But it's cool.
It's whatever.
I don't care anymore
I'm tired of you
I'm done with you
And I'm sick of all your shit
I hope you bake it in a pie and taste it
It's bad
Maybe you'll like it since you like to serve it to others
Maybe you'll enjoy the taste
I don't care anymore
Have a life.
-bye