To anyone that wonders if I'm writing about them: I am

TwentyTwo.

To the boy who was in my Ap lit class
That never knew how much he meant to me
That I secretly admired in every sense of the word
Who spoke to me and rocked my world
My mind
My heart.
Sometimes I feel bad about being so openly okay with liking someone
I feel like it's necessary to write this now however because I know even if it stays unpublished for chapters to pass it by
I needed to let it out
For myself
And for you.
I joked the entire year and referred to you as my "b day boyfriend"
I didn't know who u were
You didn't know me
You texted me.
I felt special (lol)
But then I thought u were gay because of some joke
And now
Well now
I just don't know
I let go of my thoughts
And I moved on
I'm fine now
We're friends
However
You invited me out
You met my dad
U shared your secrets with me and I let you read a part of my soul.
So, how does it feel?
To know someone
Yet barely know them at all
My mom and sister joke and call it a "date "
I see it as just brunch
With two friends
But
Bday boy - friend
If you indeed have a
Girlfriend and she was indeed home
Why invite me?
What more did u need from me besides simple interaction in class?
I don't know if I ever mentioned that I write these chapters honestly
Based on real ass questions I have that I may be unable to face to face speak about
I wanna know why people come in your life
Unannounced
With no reason or explanation as to where they came from, or when they'll be gone
No,
If you're wondering I'm not obsessed with you.
I don't really like you more than as a good friend lol.
I don't wanna make this any more "interesting" than it is.
And no,
I'm not crazy (maybe a little weird)
But I don't just write about every person I meet
Or go somewhere with
It's not a usual thing so please
Just read
And accept me for who I am.
What lesson is this? @god
What lesson now?
The boy the other one actually
The one who only told his best friend his feelings
Well I beat it out of him
With the fact of u b day boy
So thanks for that
I feel like I'm just made to be alone
I like having someone like me
I like the chase
The game
But then it gets old
I get bored
And then I'm back at square one.
A l o n e
So.
In hopes u don't read this.
In hopes that you just pretended to read my book because I sent it to you.
Because you were being a supportive friend.
I'll end this entry with this piece of advice.
If something is on your mind, say it.
You never know the outcome of any given situation.
Only you are to proclaim the situation (that hasn't even occurred yet ) as bad.
I like confusion
I live within it
Amongst it
Until I become it.
And then
It must die.
As every other good thing,
That never truly starts, and just barely manages to finish.
One day,
When I make this real
One day,
When the readers somewhere will wonder who I am speaking of.
I'll allow them to refer back to the cover page
Of my short story/ poetry novela
In which the answer is presented within the title.
Only those with the memory will know
For it is them who I speak of
And I pray that they may have a copy in their hands
As they experienced the pain,
The overwhelming happiness
And overbearing sadness I once did
Based on the silent fear of a boy
And another
And another
Of knowing the truth
After I pretended to tell them when they initially asked
And of course
This won't make a thing weird
Because
This chapter is just another thought I had to get out my head
And by luck you just so happened to be the star of its show
So
As you've said "it only gets weird if you make it that way "
Thank you for this little victory in my yearlong book of achievements
Who would've known the plan
That is being lived out today.
O and ps.
The girl always walks on the inside of the street ;)
P.s.s.
I choked while debating if I should post this but lmaoo you're never gonna see it so wth am I afraid of I'm a new me as soon as 12 am hits. I like to "dream a little dream each day "
And maybe, today, I'll be the girl who isn't afraid of an opinion other than her own. Maybe today I can be the girl that looks people in the eyes when she speaks, and the girl that doesn't cry herself to sleep at night.
Maybe today I can be the hero of my own story.
Maybe today I can be, me.
Love Always
- Llogan ❤️