To anyone that wonders if I'm writing about them: I am

13.

I thought I knew what it took to be "strong".
Where I live it is currently 2:56 a.m. And I have school to attend at 7 a.m.
I didn't realize the recovery process is way harder than being hurt until now.
I'm sad
I keep feeling sad in these wee hours of the mornings, and I don't understand why .
Let me take that back, I know exactly why.
It's the boy
It's always been the boy
I distract myself, and pretend that he doesn't matter, and trash talk him, and delete the pictures and text message threads only hoping that things will get better but they don't.
Instead they progressively become worse, tears are being held back, every time the time of night approaches when everyone is sleep and I am still awake I get the urge to cry .
I hate that I don't actually hate him.
I want to soooo bad
I want to convince myself that I hate him, that I want him out of my life but when he doesn't text me back within a week or so at all it concerns me.
I'm letting him play with my happiness
Dictate my smiles
I need to move on
I need to understand I'm okay and I'm better and that I don't need him in my life but the worst part of it all is;
When someone better comes along, they always creep back.
There's a boy in my class, he's a different type of "cute" he reminds me of the characters in "the get down" ( Netflix show)
And I like him usually that's not my type but he seems nice, like a gentleman, like someone who won't fuck me over
This is great you may think, but also realize I'll move on and he'll only creep back.
My best friend told me to block his number
I can't find it in me to
I can delete the thread and all the pictures
But right now I feel like I need the proof
And I don't know why.
Once again I do know why.
I need the proof for myself because I feel like he doesn't want to claim me, or the fact he liked me and I liked him.
Almost like he wants to pretend it wasn't real, it didn't happen.
If someone wants to be with you they will.
If someone wants to talk to you they will.
If someone genuinely cares about you and your well being they will make sure they know how you're doing.
"How could you not check on me when things go wrong, guess I should've tried to keep my family closer."
I want to cry right now
Ball crying
Big
Nasty
Baby
Tears.
But I'm not allowing myself to.
I refuse to cry any more over this boy, he's literally the best lesson, and greatest nightmare.
I think about him all the time, find him in every guy I meet all of that.
Literally I don't think he realizes how much I love well loved him
I love people greatly
I am very loving
I pour my heart into everyone
And it breaks me
But I'd rather be a broken beautiful disaster than a heartless wreck.
"People don't realize what they had or have until it's too late, until it's gone."
Maybe that's what it will take.
I do believe that " people who are meant to be in your life will always come back no matter how far away they wander."
I just forget I do being so consumed in the moment of sadness.
Maybe he's not supposed to be in my life.
Maybe that was it just a brief memory .
Maybe he's wandered off and hasn't found his way back .
I don't know but I hope the best for him.
I wanted him to suffer too
I wanted him to cry late at nights when no one is awake to hear or be concerned, when all he has is the darkness, God , and himself.
I wanted him to feel that misery just. Like . I. Did.
Just. Like. I. Do.
But I'm over it now
I helped me so now I'll help you.
To anyone reading , if there is a boy or girl and they've "broken you" find some glue and stick yourself back together.
Never give someone else the power to make you feel any less , only let people make you better.
Learn from all mistakes and take loses or big hits with sincerity and gratitude.
Be graceful in every aspect of your life.
Be a princess
Even if there isn't a prince awaiting you in a castle.
Be absolutely unapologetically  yourself and step out of your comfort zone .
Speak to those who ignore you
Treat others always with kindness.
Never wish failure or demise on someone else.
Always
Always
Always
Remind yourself that you are important, loved, and strong.
And finally if all else fails, remember this,
In order to succeed in your own personal journey you have to master the trick of being able to feel pain and yet still manage to overcome it.
In front of everyone, exposed, natural
Always remember the future will be brighter and tomorrow's another day.
Have a great day ❤️

                                 - Llogan.