To anyone that wonders if I'm writing about them: I am

twentyfive

Originally I wrote this book to cope with the emotional stress I had from losing a close friendship I'd had since middle school.
Then This slowly turned into a book trying to teach me to love myself through the forms of narrative rants that basically helped me realize the truths about myself I refused to accept.
If anyone still wonders I don't think I've truly learned.
I don't know if I love myself.
I sorta do.
I love certain moments of myself.
I like being happy. And having fun. And I love laughing.
When I laugh I love myself.
But right now. In this moment with tears in my eyes pretending I'm okay trying not to have my family members see me so they can just judge me and talk shit about me to my face I do not love myself.
This problem is causing me to not love others either.
I don't mean to.
I don't mean to hate.
I don't mean to cry over people or things they may say or do that they don't mean.
I don't mean to make people hate me. Or dislike me in any way.
Sometimes I wish I'd never grown up.
I feel like adulthood is about being alone and being okay with it.
I am not.
And College is an everyday reminder that the simplicity and bliss of being a child is not a thing anymore.
I cant watch highschool musical all summer and just sleep and play on the wii anymore. I have to get a job.
I cant breathe.
I physically can't breathe.
I feel like I'm drowning in trying to live in the past. And it bothers me a lot and I don't know where to bury it inside of me.
Maybe I ran out of space.
I just wanna be accepted.
For all of me.
I don't want people to talk about me to my face anymore.
Especially not my parents.
Because no. It doesn't build "character", it breaks people.
And it's broken me . And I just wanna be happy again. I wanna be happy like when I was young. Happy like that one summer when I played cards all night with my sister because it was so hot and we couldn't sleep.
Happy like all the vacations I took with my childhood best friend to the beach with her family.
Happy like playing with my dog before she died.
Happy before my life meant to please others.
I want to live for me.
And that's a task.
So next time someone asks me what I want to be when I grow up. I'm going to tell them happy.
And when they ask why, because people are curious and always want to know why.
I'm going to tell them because that's a goal I'm not certain I may achieve and I can spend my entire life trying to accomplish it without reaching the goal and fearing having to create another one.
I don't think there's advice for this entry.
Just make sure you do what you can for yourself.
Try not to depend on others.
Try not to engage in others judgements.
Encouraging thoughts always help.
And lastly always think of your words, they have the power to destroy even the most strong and beautiful.
-Llogan