The Original High (Koli) ✔️

15: Three Stupid Little Words

While Tay was away on tour in Europe, I stayed at her place on my own. And regretfully I had to admit that I was still in my same old routine. Oliver had either not noticed yet, or simply decided to pretend not to notice. Either way, we never talked about my little problems.

I hadn't given whatever we had a name, but lucky me, the media had done that for us. So Oli and I were basically a couple now. . . for a few months already. And it wasn't that I didn't want to be, but the circumstances of the whole thing still bugged me daily. I was constantly worrying about when the media would lash out on him about 'dating' me.

As Vic was spending his days in the studio writing, Jaime and I decided to hang out more. He came over quite frequently and helped me finish a song that I was writing. Normally Vic would do that, but Jaime wasn't bad at it either. "You should totally make a music video for this one. Music videos always help to get it out there." He pointed out.

"I don't know." I muttered nervously. "I'm not sure if I want to be in a music video."

"Then I will do it with you! Or ask Oli!" He happily suggested. "How about it?" I already knew then that it was more of a statement than a question. Jaime was just like Vic with that. . . once he had an idea, it was happening, whether people would agree to it or not.

It didn't take very long before he had dragged me to a recording studio to get the vocals of the song done. Jaime apparently used to date some local producer and they were still friends, so he was more than happy to help.

Oli had joined us too for moral support, or something like that. It was nice that he was there, though. He was done touring, and while his band mates stayed in their home country, Oli came back after a month, for whatever reason.

Okay, he came back for me. . . I just didn't want to admit it because it actually made me pretty happy.

"Okay, let's give it a go." The producer, Brendon I think his name was, then announced.

The countdown started and I quickly cleared my throat before the 'recording' light flicked on. I sang the whole song, in the exact beat that I remembered singing most of it a few years back while Vic would play the guitar beside me to help along.

I noticed how Oli was looking my way as I sang into the microphone. The way he smiled at me made me incapable of not smiling back. It was difficult to remember the lyrics that way, though, but I already made it almost to the end- to the hard part.

"For the love, for the pain— For the ways I wished you'd change— For the fact I never will, cut back these feelings that I feel— For the good times, and the bad times, everything else in between— Let's give a toast to life's lessons, growing up, we'll steal those dreams— For those radio plays, and those tv spots— Looking back to see how small, then how big we got— To never ever giving up, staying humble— Rise above, these pretty little dangers— We call love."

I did really like having Oli around, because I felt a lot more confident. And even though my song wasn't even really about anyone or any experience in particular, my own lyrics made me think; to never giving up- I really needed to listen to my own words for a change.

"What's the song called?" Oli asked as we finally finished most of the recordings at the end of the day.

I looked up at him and giggled. "La La Love. Sounds lame, right?" I told him. He just smiled in response.

"Y'know, you two are cute together. . . embrace it." Jaime then suddenly butted in as he gave me a playful push, making me bump into Oliver. He looked down at me with an awkward smile, but it turned into an honest one when I grabbed his hand and laced my fingers with his. I wasn't sure what came over me when I did that, but it felt right.

Oli then leaned over and gave me a quick innocent peck on my cheek. "Aww see, there you have it!" Jaime then exclaimed. I simply rolled my eyes at him and giggled.

It was then that I realized that I'd stayed off all drugs the entire day. Well, all drugs except for my prescribed ones, of course. And I was feeling content enough. I carefully clung onto Oli's arm as we walked back to 'my' place that evening. Walking with him always seemed just a little awkward, as he was so much taller than me. But it was nice.

"I think it's really cool that you're starting to get your music out there. . . making a video and everything. The internet is a great place to start." Oli then mentioned as we entered the apartment.

"Yeah, I suppose so." I admitted with a slight chuckle as I threw the keys onto the dresser and made my way into the kitchen. Oli closely followed me as I poured myself a glass of water and took my last daily dose of anti-depressants.

"How long have you been taking those for?" He then suddenly asked, his mood changing from joyous to serious in less than a second.

I downed the rest of my glass of water and sighed. "Oh, like almost two years now." I replied ever so casually. I hadn't even realized yet that it had been that long. I was supposed to get therapy with it, but I never did.

I remembered, that before I had the medication, I was so severely depressed; I would often end up physically hurting myself. I'd slit my wrists and hold myself under water until I nearly passed out from holding my breath too long and losing so much blood. . . I had almost managed to drown myself multiple times.

Much to my own dismay at the time, I survived every attempt, obviously.

Yet somehow, after I got the medication, I had managed to survive without the therapy. Oh yeah, because I started combining them with other drugs. That's how I did that.

Oops?

Oli probably noticed the troubled look on my face from thinking back about all of that, because he then came over to me and pulled me into a soothing hug, leaving a soft kiss on the top of my head. "Just know that I'm here for you, okay?" He whispered.

"I do." I whispered back as I wrapped my arms around him.

"Good. . . because I love you, Kellin." I let out a soft sigh and wrapped my arms around him a little tighter, burying my head in his chest. I wanted to say it too, but I couldn't. The words scared me. I didn't even understand how he managed to say them so easily, so quickly. He already had a few times.

Those three stupid little words were the scariest thing in the world to me. And I hoped so dearly that he'd understand.