The Original High (Koli) ✔️

23: I Was Fixable, Right?

Most of my days were filled with therapy sessions. . . My therapist managed to make me talk about the things I never talked about before; the history with my parents, especially my father. She said that was the main reason for my anxiety attacks. And it turned out that I was actually mostly addicted to the medication that I took for it, not even so much all of the other crap that I put into myself for years. Which was a surprise.

It was my therapist's plan to get me off all types of medication and help me get over my anxiety. I was reluctant because I was pretty sure that it meant that I would be here for much longer than I wanted to be.

The facility was fancy but somewhat boring. There was a pool in the garden, and a big lounge area with a shared TV and a bunch of magazine stands and board games. The whole place had a calm interior and huge windows that always let in lots of sunlight. Honestly I kind of hated that. I wasn't sure how long I was going to last here without going crazy. Especially since there wasn't even internet around here. Oh my god.

I was allowed to leave whenever I wanted, though. But for some reason, even though I often did want to. . . I didn't.

"So how are you feeling today?" Justin asked me as he dealt the cards. So every now and then, we did random card games to keep ourselves entertained. It was either that or make fun of people on tv, or discuss music.

"Sick as fuck." I complained with a sigh, feeling the nausea build up.

I picked my cards from the table and a few instantly slipped from my fingers again. I groaned out of frustration; this happened too often. I was so shaky. Right when I wanted to pick them up again, Justin grabbed my hand, and lightly rubbed the back.

"It's just the withdrawal, you'll be alright." He assured me.

I breathed out heavily and tugged my hand out of his grip, desperate for the glass of ice water that was just brought over. I was so sweaty and warm, it made me insanely uncomfortable. I downed half the glass and then held it against my neck, closing my eyes and groaning at how nice the coldness felt on my skin.

"So, tell me something. Do you have a boyfriend?"

My eyes fluttered open at Justin's random question. "I. . . no?" I answered hesitantly, wondering why he wanted to know that.

"You don't sound too sure. . ." He murmured, his tone skeptical as his eyebrow arched up. "Did you forget or something?" He then added with a chuckle.

I shook my head as I downed the rest of my water. "I don't, but I did. . . I mean, I really don't know." Somehow, part of my memory was a little blurry. I hadn't spoken to my sister since I was in here, not to anyone really. And it felt weird. Especially since I knew that I wasn't remembering certain things. Knowing what date it was and when it was that certain things happened to me, I knew that there were gaps. . . apart from the three months that I apparently spent being out cold.

"You don't sound so sure." Justin then pointed out.

I sighed and aimlessly looked through my stack of cards. "I can't really explain it. . . it's like things are missing. And besides, I'm guessing nobody really knows that I'm here so nobody can tell me either."

"Yeah, don't expect visitors or whatever." I looked up at Justin, noticing just how disappointed he sounded. "I'm actually clean, you know. I have been for a long time. But my girlfriend wasn't convinced, so I checked myself in again. We're having a baby, you know- a little girl." The corners of his lips curled, a proud smile slowly appearing. "I'm doing this for her." He then added as he looked my way again.

I smiled gently and grabbed his hand the same way he did mine earlier. "You're a good guy, Justin." I told him honestly.

He chuckled silently and cocked his eyebrows, as if he didn't believe me. I guessed that his girlfriend never came over to see how he was doing, and that was kind of sad to be honest.

It made me wonder whether anyone knew about what happened and where I was. Or if anyone even cared, for that matter. Part of me wanted someone to show up, maybe even Matty, but the other part of me hoped that everyone would just forget about me and move on.

I could only imagine how pissed Vic was at me. . . let alone how much more pissed my sister was. Damn, I had really made a mess of everything.

That night I couldn't really sleep. I caught myself missing somebody, but I didn't know whom. I wasn't missing Matty. . . sure, I missed my friends, but- I don't know. It was weird. I felt a little empty and I wasn't sure why.

I still felt sweaty and very uneasy as well, so I decided to take a midnight walk around the garden. Once again I found Vic's words echoing through my mind. . .

Please get help before it's too late. . .

A tear escaped my eye, and I quickly wiped it away. I didn't want to cry, I was so sick of it.

I'd messed up, big time. Everyone probably hated me. And that was probably why no one came to visit yet. And even though it was hard -because man did I crave for a release from all these feelings- I was determined to stay until I was clean. I just hoped that it wasn't going to take too long.

I was fixable, right? I wasn't entirely worthless. . . or was I?

I was so scared that it was all but too late for me to be fixed. I may have survived the overdose, but that didn't mean that I wasn't just going to slip back into my old habits as soon as I was out of this place. Did I have a reason not to?

And then it hit me where I was. This was a rehab with known people. Everyone in the world who wanted to know probably knew that I was here, one way or another. It was just going to add up to the list of things I did wrong in their eyes.

"Fuck, my parents must be so proud of me." I then muttered sarcastically as I felt myself choke up. Once again, I was sobbing silently as I made my way back into my bedroom.

I hated this. I hated everything.