Mirrors | Malum

15

Calum

There is nothing more painful in the entire universe than hating yourself. You can say that the feeling of your heart breaking is a thousand times worse than anything, but its not true. I haven't been able to look myself in the mirror since I was twelve due to people humiliating me all of the time. My arms that were once extremely muscular and toned are now flabby, the body that I once felt so confident in is now covered in bandages, stitches and long, baggy t-shirts because I feel disgusting. It's so unbelievably painful to try to cover up the fact that you don't like yourself, its more than a feeling.

It's the numbers on the scale and the calculator going on in my head every second of the day, telling me that the less I eat, the better. The more I work, the more I'll improve. So I don't eat, I throw my food away, I flush it down the toilet and I lie to the people who actually care about me because I don't feel beautiful.

People say guys can't feel beautiful, because its feminine. But its not like that for me, I'd like to feel beautiful one day. But it doesn't matter how many times Michael will tell me, I'll never actually believe it. I'm just a ghost living inside of this empty body, walking the streets with sad eyes and long sleeves, traveling places with my sister who is in a relationship and is doing something with her life. But I'm alone; I may not be lonely, but I'm alone with the calculator in my head, with the demeaning voices that make me feel disgusting, and I know I'll never be beautiful.

"Calum?"

"What?" I snapped, rubbing my temples as I looked up at Michael. I can never be alone for five minutes without him walking up to me.

"No need to be so rude. I was just going to say hi."

"You say hi every day."

"You don't like my company?" Michael frowned, slightly poking at my chest, trying his absolute best to get a smile out of me but it wasn't going to work. He can't break the shell that's covering me because I'm permanently stuck inside of it.

"I do, its just," I sighed, there wasn't a single explanation I could use to tell him that I wasn't in the mood to talk, because my thoughts of hating myself are all that I can concentrate on.

"Just what?"

"Nothing, forget it. Hello, Michael."

"I'm glad you like my company, because I have another pick-up line for you that just might make that frown on your face disappear."

He notices me frowning? I didn't think anyone noticed me.

"What is it?"

"Are you a slimy creature with tentacles? Because you octopi my thoughts."

I chuckled dryly, because I was in too deep to actually laugh, to actually feel happy. The only emotion I can truthfully feel at the moment is emptiness. I'm the glass that's been broken, the glass that nobody wants to pick up because it's shattered everywhere and can cut somebody if they don't touch it properly.

"That's terrible."

"I know."

"Hey Michael?"

"Yeah?"

I love the way he turned his head to direct his full attention towards me. He's always listened, no matter how busy he was or how little time he has remaining to talk to me. He'd always squeeze me into his schedule, everyday and it honestly makes me feel special. Just knowing that there's someone in the world, someone who's right in front of me and is looking at me with those blossoming green eyes that twirl on a stage under laminating lights. The beautiful grass on my lawn that isn't dead, the painted edges of the fences that are so bright fully colored, the go light that people get overly excited to see. The true beauty lies within his eyes; the precious gems that are staring only at me.

"Have you ever felt fat?"

"Only a couple of times, but I've grown to be confident in my own body. Why?" Michael asked, his eyes going from fond to concerned, "you don't think you're fat, do you?"

I fiddled with the sleeves of my black hoodie, knowing that he was going to catch on eventually. I just needed to talk about it to somebody who was willing to listen to me. Somebody who wouldn't judge me and say that it's stupid. Somebody who could possibly still want something to do with me after I tell them, without getting angry over it.

"I do," I whispered, knowing he couldn't hear me, even though I was hoping he would.

"I can't hear you," Michael said gently, scooting closer to me as we sat on the small bench that was barely large enough for one body, let alone two.

"I do," I said louder, feeling every ounce of pain drown me. I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into the sea that I've been trapped in. Feeling something tugging at my feet, then at my legs, then at every other part of my body until it reached my heart and my lungs. It was like I couldn't breathe, because this pain I've been feeling for so long has been choking me. It's been cutting into my skin, burning the only thing I have to live in to flames, because its unhappy with itself. Because I'm unhappy with myself.

"Stop that. You're not fat."

"I am."

"No, you're beautiful. Those rolls you think you see on your body are just a made up image. You need to learn to love them because they're a reminder to yourself that you're still alive and you're still breathing."

"I'm not alive, Michael. I'm dead inside. I'm beat up, destroyed, burnt, cascaded into something so hideous that I'm surprised I'm not buried six feet under the ground by now."

"I don't want you buried. There are people in this world who care about you, you know."

"Like who?"

Michael sighed to himself as he leaned towards me and removed one of the stray hairs that was lingering in front of my face.

"Like me."

"I underestimate you a lot, Michael. You're a great person."

"So are you, Calum. I just wish you could see that."

I nodded, now picking at my chapped nail polish that I'm going to need to repaint this weekend, but I knew I'd have to stop because he noticed me doing it and shook his head.

"Can I have a hug?"

Michael smiled heartedly. "Of course you can."

The feeling of his arms engrossing my body was nice. It was more than nice. Just feeling his heartbeat against my own, seeing that his breaths were almost the same as mine. Taking note of the fact that his green eyes were looking into my brown ones with so much fondness and love and care and protection. He's everything I need to escape this ghost taking over me.

I just hope he won't leave me like everyone else. Because I'm positive that I need him. And I think he just might need me too.

-

A/N: I this story man. So much. I listened to Halsey - ghost when writing this lmao. But its the stripped acoustic version. So so pretty. The way it echoes. Ugh goals.

Ily all. Byeeee.