Mirrors | Malum

42

Michael

I hated sneaking around, watching the one I love cascade himself into the darkness that grew inside of his veins. I hated staring at empty cups of coffee, knowing that one was yet to be filled and drunk by none other than Calum himself. I hated having lines of poetry decorating my skin as I thought out every single word and definition that reminds me of my beloved boyfriend.

But I couldn't think of anymore than what was held inside of a dictionary, and it wouldn't matter all that much to me anyway because there's nothing in this god damn world that's more beautiful than he is. Nothing. Not the way the trees sway when the breeze hits them with a fragile touch, not the way the sun lingers in the sky for only a matter of seconds until it changes into another pastel color, not the way a baby smiles at his/her/their mother after opening their eyes for the very first time, nothing.

There's nothing more beautiful than watching the way Calum's eyes crinkle when he laughs. Nothing more beautiful than hearing his heart beating to the sound of my name whenever it's mentioned. There isn't a single thing that I can think of that's more beautiful than the way he kisses me - holding onto his breath as if it's the last fucking thing he gets to do - as if running his fingers up and down my arms while our lips press together firmly will never happen again - as if I'm going to be taken away from him shortly after witnessing the best thing he's ever seen, heard and felt.

I hated sneaking around - pretending that it wasn't hurting me inside that his parents didn't want me there. I hated bellowing my head down as I snuck through his window during the nights he needed me - or watching him meet me at the fountain far past one in the morning just to talk about life and how wonderful and fucked up it is all at the time. I hated knowing that we were being held back from doing anything and everything - all because his parents figured Calum was meant for something more than me.

But it isn't more than me. I know, because every single time I glance at him, he smiles as if it's been years since he remembers his cheeks moving the slightest bit - and his eyes crinkle under my touch along with his nose turning a roseate color whenever I rub my thumb between the crevice of his index and middle finger. I know whenever I watch him walk - how his body is so slumped and weak whenever he's alone, but his position automatically changes the moment he makes eye contact with me. I know that we're more than some limited amount of time that has yet to be sealed or opened - we're our own individual tree, growing our branches by the root as we overcome obstacles and find ways to make our weaknesses into strengths and our choices better for the future.

I long to be with Calum, through thick and thin, through the good times and the bad times, through the giggles and the tears, through the endless nothing's and endless everything's, through my fucking soul and heart that has yet to stop beating whenever he shares his last breath as we grow old together and lay side by side in repugnant hospital beds. He, Calum Hood, is what I long for and I hate sneaking around with somebody who I want to share with the world.

I want Calum Thomas Hood, through the moments that he manages to slip on air, through the times that we mistakenly spill our coffee on each other, through the seconds we spend sharing small kisses as we make breakfast together, through the hassle of sitting on a cold train station bus early in the morning, through the last-minute sleepovers we plan at two in the morning, through the intertwining of our fingers as we sit by the fountain at dusk, through the insecurities Calum mumbles and has yet to shout out to the world, through the confusions and the mishaps, through the cuddle sessions on his couch, through my love and his love that has become so unbelievably important to me, I will love him.

I will always love Calum, even if he randomly decides to change his mind that the feeling isn't mutual by the time we're engaged. He's always going to be the boy at the train station with the velvet journal and the steaming drink that radiates into the air as he sits on the bench across from the train.

Always.

And I plan on loving Calum through eternity.

-

We snuck around again - tricking his parents into believing that he was heading to the library for a late-night study session, when it was rather a quick, yet not so quick meet up for my boyfriend and I to spend time with each other.

I took him to the lake, which was a fair amount of walking distance to be perfectly honest. It was restricted access after ten, but I didn't give a shit about breaking the rules. All I really gave a shit about was making sure Calum knew he was safe and loved, even though at times it doesn't seem like that. I love him, even though he doesn't believe I'm capable of doing such a thing.

There isn't a rule that states you can't love a person who doesn't know how to love themselves yet, which is why I'm teaching my boyfriend, my love, my darling what it means to do such a thing. He only has one body to live in for the rest of his life, so why waste his youth hating on it? There's always room for improvements. It just takes the motivation to do so.

I'm his motivation.

I gripped onto Calum's hand, leading him towards the wooden canoes that were attached to the deck. They were easy to ply off without tools and I had experience with removing chains from things anyways. It's not what you're thinking, I swear.

Not once did I let go of his hand, only did I squeeze it a couple of times for reassurance that he'd be alright as long as he held onto me, and he kept a firm grip as our fingers were intertwined. Relationships are about trust, and if you have trust, then you can find ways to make it more beautiful than it already was to begin with.

We began to row away as soon as the two of us were comfortably sitting inside of the canoe. Calum hesitated to put on a life vest at first, but I made him promise to do so. I cared more about his safety more than anything else, regardless if he could swim or not. And of course, Calum always keeps his promises, which is why he buckled the orange vest and wrapped it around his body so he could be protected from injuries or worst - death. I wouldn't let him die either though, because I'd be the first person to save him.

The two of us gazed up at the stars and chatted amongst ourselves about which ones reminded us of each other and let me tell you, it was beautiful. But still, as I gazed into Calum's chocolate brown eyes and watched as he crinkled his nose when a fly flew by, I knew I was right when I said there's nothing more beautiful than he is. And I mean that.

Calum Thomas Hood means everything to me.

-

A/N;

I know I said a long time ago that there'd probably be 50 chapters for this book but I'm losing motivation and I decided to end it at 45. So by all means, there's only two chapters left and an epilogue.

Please don't hate me. Like seriously, don't. I just lost motivation and I have it planned out exactly the way I want it.

Also, thoughts on this chapter? I made sure there wasn't any dialogue bc all of my chapters have dialogue and this is kind of nice, really.

Thanks for leaving a vote and a comment if you do. Thanks for reading, also. I love you all and I hope you're having a wonderful day or night.

And last but not least, RIP Christina. I've always looked up to you. I remember watching your videos when I was twelve and I wanted to be like you. You inspired me to put myself out there and sing. Remember when you were on the voice? I felt so motivated afterwards to audition for my schools concert that lasts three nights. And guess what? I was able to perform for one. I really hope that you're looking down on all of us and you realize that we still love you and always will even though you're gone. You didn't deserve to leave, but maybe you're happier up there. Goodbye.

That hurt a lot tbh. Bye guys, love you.