Mirrors | Malum

27

Calum

The minute I arrived home after talking to Michael, I punched a wall. I felt as though I were making a mistake with my life because the voices inside of my head continuously told me and warned me that Michael deserved better. They told me that I wasn't worth putting him through all of the pain they're going through and they were right, of course. But I still denied it. And I continued to think about how close we were sitting that night in the parking lot and how the trace of his fingertips could have been beautifully outlined on the paper that I call my hands. And I think about the picture we took in the park when we wore flower crowns. I still don't know how I look or how the selfie turned out, but I know it made him happy.

I think about the time when my family and I were at Olive Garden and he memorized my order rather than everybody else's first. And how he always gave me a smile when I needed it the most and didn't turn me down because I was weird. And I think about the moments we've shared on that rusted train bench and how it was always so cold in there and how the sweaters would never keep me warm but his presence did.

The voices in my head keep trying to tell me that those memories are pointless, but he puts my life in motion and he gives me the entire universe with just one word that falls out of his crestfallen mouth. I've been hanging by a thread all of these years and he finally pulled me out of the dust. He saved me even when I couldn't save myself.

"Shut up, Calum. They are not you. You're so much more than demons."

I tried to remind myself. I continued to mumble on and on about how I should be focusing on my date rather than listening to the voices that make up my biggest insecurities. And I ignored the thrashing pain that went through my knuckles from hitting the wall so hard but it was fine because I didn't break anything.

I was afraid I'd break something though, such as Michael's heart. He'd probably be heartbroken to find that I'm not what he thinks I am. That the endless beauty of crippled thoughts and chestnut eyes that harvest on peach trees in the summer are not what he should be using to fill the spaces between his fingers. He's focusing so much on painting a canvas, me being the main character and he's learning so many things about myself that I didn't even know were true until I met him.

He's helping me discover myself and that scares me, more than anything.

-

I was cliché, maybe a little too cliché with planning my date but it was okay, because I've never done something like this before.

I told him to meet me in the empty parking lot, because this is where I wanted to start our night. Just watching the sunset as we huddle next to each other and feel our breaths aligning with every touch and every beat that our heart thumps inside of our chest. I wanted to feel the warmth of his skin evaporating against mine and I wanted to feel him like a breeze attacking me from the wind that threads through my hair when the window is down. I wanted to make him feel alive, because he makes me feel that way every single day.

I felt my breath staggering with each minute that passed by because maybe he wasn't going to show up. Maybe he decided he had better plans and thought that I wasn't worth it and neither was the date. I started over-thinking and I could feel the hot steaming tears threatening to fall from my eyes like a house on fire and no, I needed to stay calm because I was most likely overreacting.

And I was, because ten minutes later, he showed up.

And he looked different.

"Your hair is shorter. Did you get it groomed?"

Michael chuckled as he sat down next to me, dusting the lint off of his black jeans and it was really hard to breathe because he looked extremely attractive.

"Groomed and dyed. Do you like it?"

"I love it."

We talked for a while, about endless nothings and occasionally about our lives but we mainly focused on how beautiful the saturation of the sky was and how the colors collided together and looked like a rainbow paint splatter. And when the sun had finally set and it was starting to get dark, I knew I could take him to my final place that kind of really sucked but again, it was okay.

I stood up first, wanting to be romantic by taking his hand and helping him up but of course he had to make a joke at the wrong time to catch me off guard.

"Are you wearing space pants? Because your ass is out of this world."

"What ass?" I laughed awkwardly, knowing that he was most likely not checking me out because why would anybody find me attractive? Especially my butt, that just isn't right.

"Only you, Michael, only you."

-

"The flower shop?"

"I know it's probably not what you expected, but I thought it'd be cute if the two of us could make bracelets with each others name's on it, with flowers in between. As a way to remember this day."

"That's so adorable. But not as adorable as you."

"I try," I sighed, feeling as though he were disappointed. Maybe I should have planned this out more, but I wasn't thinking straight. All I could think of was the color of his eyes and how cute his smile was.

I've grown overly fond of him.

And I'm not, nor will I ever be, ashamed to admit that.

-

A/N:

Casually waiting for this story to get 1K 😂 sorry this chapter is shitty and short but I'm super tired and it's late and yeah. This is really bad Lmao. Enjoy thoo.