With Their Eyes Filled With Stars

.8.

"Honestly though, I have no idea why I flipped out like that!" PJ says in a hushed tone whilst standing on top of my house extension, leaning through my window. It is 1am and I heard a tapping on the outside of my window, now here he is.

"You know my dad, he is ridiculously religious. I think I just panicked at the thought of him finding out about what I did with Chris. It was just in the moment. It didn't mean anything." He continues whilst I stare at him, unable to really make him out because of the darkness.

Suddenly I grab a camping-light from under my bed and turn to him. "Move over." I whisper. As soon as he does I climb out the window with the light turned on. Gently I place it down and sit down on the roof of the extension. He sits beside me.

"Remember when we used to do this when we were like 10?" Peej whispers into the silence of the night.
"We used to do it every night, didn't we!" I give out a silent chuckle.
"Why did we ever stop?" PJ says chuckling softly.
"Well we are doing it now so we just had a break!" I smile and look at him.
He looks back and gives a weak smile, "Are we still friends Dan?". I nod my head and laugh gently, "Of course you doofus!"

Then we sit for hours talking about random junk.
It's 4am when I bring up what happened earlier.

"I fucked up with Phil..." I say emotionless in tone. Pj turns his head to look at me but I keep looking forward. "We were sat together after the incident and he went to kiss me...I just ran.." I continue in the same tone.
"Oh Dan.." PJ sighs. "You really like him, don't you?"
I nod once before bursting into silent tears.

"Have you apologised to him? Because he will think he is the one in the wrong. And even if noone thinks you love is, well, actual love; so be it! You know when your love and feelings are valid." PJ says whilst pulling me into a tight hug.

"You can do this Dan, it will be fine." PJ whispers as my phone is pressed against my ear. We patiently wait for Phil to answer. 5am. 5am and im phoning Phil to apologise.
He answers after two minutes.

"Hey Phil." I say quietly but he doesn't respond. "I wanted to apologise about earlier. I don't know why I did it. I hope we can-"
"Dan. I understand but I can't do this. I've been thinking and I don't want people hurting you. I can't have that." Phil interrupts me, his voice shaking. He is crying.
"Phil-"

"We can't be together.." He whispers.
"Why not?" I begin to cry.
"Our eyes tell different stories." He replies.

He hangs up.
I burst into floods of tears.
Pj hugs me.
But it's no use.
I keep crying and crying.

.....

Thursday morning. I haven't been to school since Monday when the incident happened.
I can't bring myself to face anyone.
Not after the fight me and PJ had, everyone had seen it. I don't want to see people after that. Everyone will ask me questions.
And most of all, I can't bring myself to see Phil. Not after what he said. He probably doesn't want to see me either.

For the past few days Ive just been hiding in my bedroom refusing to leave except for food or the toilet.
PJ and Emma called around yesterday but I told my parents not to let them in.

I currently sit on my floor, doodling tiny cartoon people in a notebook. The doorbell rings. I check the time, 3:43pm, school has just finished. Slowly I pull myself off the floor and walk to my window, looking out to see who it was. Dodie.
Why was Dodie at my house? Who told her where my house was?

Nervously I chew my lip before heading down and opening the door. She jumps as she sees me, im a mess. I haven't washed my hair and it had all gone curly; im wearing an oversized jumper with something spilt down it along with my baggy grey pyjama bottoms; and my eyes are tired with large bags underneath.
"Hi Dan, I need to talk to you." Dodie says softly, one hand resting on her schoolbag strap and the other holding onto her ukulele case. "I...fine, come in." I whisper, stepping aside to let her in.

She sits delicately on my black sofa and I sit beside her. A gentle smile is on her face as she starts to speak, "What happened with you and Phil?" She says and I scoff shaking my head. "Dan. Im being serious. Both of you have refused to come into school the past few days. Phil won't answer his phone and he won't let me in his house. Tell me what happened." She says with a sad look in her eyes.

"He hasn't been at school?" I ask and she nods a little. I feel my body deflate even more and my heart sink lower in my chest. "I need to talk to him, right now." I stand up and look down at her. Dodie stares up at me before standing, "Are you going around?" She enquires and I nod quickly a few times. Dodie looks at me and smiles, "Do you want me to show you where he lives? It's only around the corner." I grab my converse and pull them on whilst nodding. She frowns, "Are you going dressed like that? "
I look down at my jumper and pyjama bottoms before nodding. "I need to see him."

And with that we leave my house, ready to go and see Phil. I need to see his blue eyes. I need to get lost out at sea.