What Doesn't Kill You (Sequel to Your Secrets Safe With Me (Brallon))

Everything Sucks

(a/n: I did my geography homework in crayons and I have to retake a geometry test tomorrow at 6:40am yay)

I woke startled from the terrible dream, I could hear mumbling from the kitchen so I decided I should investigate the voices. The dream had disturbed me so much, what if Dallon died thinking I was mad at him? What if he died thinking it was all my fault? It was all my fault . I was the reason I had no husband, it was all my fault, it was all my fault, it was all my fault.

"Brendon, are you up?" A voice I had recognized as Hannah's snapped me from my moment of terror.

Trudging into the kitchen, I was greeted by Hannah, Ryan, and another woman I had never seen before in my life. She was dressed in a black pantsuit with a bright floral shirt underneath and her graying hair was pulled slicked back into tight bun.

"I guess that's my queue to leave," Ryan pushed himself up from the kitchen table,"I'll be in the music room if anyone needs me."

"Thanks Ryan. Brendon this is Lucienda she's a funeral planner." Hannah motioned for me to sit down.

Giving Lucienda a death glare, I roughly pulled the chair out and plopped down. It had been barely been two days and we already had to start planning a funeral. They were going to force me to look at coffins and flowers and churches and who I wanted to invite. I hadn't even told that fans that he was dead yet, how were they going to take it? They would rip me to shreds when they found out that it was my fault. Neither Hannah nor the planner had said a word yet, but I started hyperventilating and ran off the room where I knew there would be refuge.

"Bren, are you okay?" Ryan looked up from where he was sitting at the piano.

"N-no" I stuttered, collapsing onto the stool next to the older.

"Wanna play a song, Hannah brought your notebook and some of your stuff over when she came." I nodded as he pulled it out from a stack of notebooks at sheet music.

I opened up to a page I had been working on most recently, after I had accepted the dreaded event that ultimately had to happen, I guess. I started playing the chords, but I couldn't bring myself to sing the words written on the page. It was just a song with no words, which is what I was without Dallon.

"I miss him so much Ry, without him I'm nothing." I fell into Ryan and cried for the millionth time.

People deal with grief in different ways. Some curse a god, some ignore it and pretend the person isn't dead, others go into shock and don't do anything, some feel guilty, and some get mad. I felt like I dabbed into everyone of those, I had yet to fully accept that he wasn't coming back, I was picky about who I talked to so that I wouldn't seem sad, I felt that it was my fault that he was dead, and I was mad at myself about it. There were just so many feelings to be felt that I couldn't deal with it.

"Bren, you still haven't slept enough, you were only out for four hours." Ryan rubbed my back to sooth my sobs.

"N-no, he's in my dreams, h-he knows it's my fault." I sobbed out, leaning up at and looking at him with wild eyes.

"My dad haunted my dreams to." He mumbled under his breath in an understanding tone. "Bren, I know it's hard, but the funeral is something you have to get through, it's part of the healing process." 

"I know, I just don't think I'm to pick out coffins, and flowers, and make guest lists. Ryan our fans don't even know." I choked on a sob before regrouping and carrying on with the conversation.

"I know Bren, and I've thought long and hard about that one. Let's do this one step at a time and get through the funeral first. Then we can think about the band and where will go from there." Ryan rested his hand on my shoulder.

"T-thanks Ry, can you sit with me? With the funeral planner? I can't look or talk to Hannah right now, I'll just see what-what he looked like when they pulled him from the burning car." Uncontrollable cries shook my body as Ryan pulled me into him again.

"Shh, Bren it's okay she doesn't blame you. Trust me she doesn't." He rubbed soothing circles into my back and humming softly.

After I composed myself, I walked with Ryan back towards the kitchen. As we walked I instinctively slipped my hand into his. He didn't pull his arm back, nor did he even draw in a sharp breath, I was thankful he didn't react because I needed the comfort of another human being right now. I casually dropped his hand as we walked through the swinging door into the kitchen.

"Oh good you're back, what were his favorite flowers?" Hannah looked up from the stack of papers scattered on Ryan's table.

"His favorite flowers ARE white tulips, and his favorite color is pastel blue." I roughly pulled out a chair and sat down, Ryan copied my movements, he was quieter and less angry about it.

"Bren, there's no need to be rash about this." Hannah used her calming, mothering voice, but it didn't work anymore.

I was about to open my mouth to sass her, I felt a warm hand rest on my knee. That was the was Dallon calmed me when I would get upset about stupid shit. I looked over to see Ryan giving me a soft smile. There was no pity in his gaze, just empathy, which I appreciated.

"Okay well, I have some wood samples for you to look out for the coffin and I need to know what church you were thinking about choosing." Lucienda spoke calmly and quietly. Even though her job involved grieving people she wasn't very good at dealing with loss.

This was going to be a long week.