They Could Care Less

46: Rainbow Days

February 3rd

Dear diary, I still feel like such a child writing that, today's the anniversary of mom's death. It's been exactly three hundred and sixty-five days without her, and to be completely honestly the feeling of the empty void in my heart hasn't changed.

Of course I miss her, but I know it was for the better that she passed away. It was torture to watch her scream in pain like that, and I still have nightmares to do this day where I hear her paralyzing screams of pain. Every time I saw the nurses injecting more pain-killers and other calming drugs into her, it was a reminder that she would've been better off dead than alive. Those are words that are difficult to write, especially about your own mom, but it's the truth.

I have had good days and bad days, the good days I can pass without falling into a temporary phase of depression and with a real smile on my face. But on my bad days, I isolate myself from people and do nothing but bawl my eyes out. Today's been a mix of both, it's been going up and down constantly. I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't cried, because of course I have, but when I visited the graveyard today with dad - we'll dicuss that later on - I felt... stronger. As if I might perhaps be able to conquer the world with a bit of help from one or two people, but still, I felt strong. In my world, it was pouring down, but at the same time the sun shone bright. Together they created a beautiful rainbow, that's how I'd describe today. A rainbow. Now that I think about, I've had rainbow days a few times before and I think those are the best days. Those are the days I heal the most, but also let my feelings pour out to Jackson - we'll dicuss that too -, and then I cry too. A lot.

It was weird celebrating my birthday without her, because my birthday was just a few weeks after the funeral I wasn't quite in the mood to suddenly celebrate the day I popped out of my mom. I spent the day with dad, we had a nice talk, and I found out more things about mom. Apparently she loved pineapple when she was in her teenage years so much that she'd have it every single day. So for their first Valentine's Day together, dad gave her a pineapple (as a joke) but she was so happy that she teared up. And then I met up with Jackson for dinner, it was a bittersweet day to keep a long story short.

Christmas was weird too, because every year we always took a family photo. This year, we were four in the picture, and it gave me mixed feelings for sure. We spent it in Texas this time, and I definitely heard my name in people's mouths which was an odd experience. People I had never seen before in my life was saying my name out loud. That's one of the sides of having a famous dad, your privacy decreases, and your social media blows up. Back to Christmas, Christina was invited to join us by Becca. But she declined, and I still don't know why.

Despite all of these new, abrupt and scary changes, I've managed surprisingly well. My grades are up again, Heather is still my best friend, and I got a new internship too. Though I so far only do coffee runs and print papers, I have a feeling it will blossom into something. I just have to work and wait...

Onto other news, I also applied for a graduate program as an undergraduate. I plan to get a joint degree, a bachelor degree and a graduate degree, and finish as soon as possible. Apparently I can finish faster if I choose to get a joint degree. I learnt that from Jack.

Speaking of that handsome devil, I now date him. I know, surprising. But! He's actually a very nice and sweet guy if you get to know him, and he knows how to cook (comes in handy quite often). We've even made up a plan on how to break into Area 51, it's top secret. I can't even share it with you, diary.

Dad... dad, dad, dad! I've started a habit of calling Damon 'dad', he's also a fairly decent guy. Though most of our bonding time is spent in the gym or on the court, not complaining though! It's better than nothing considering he's always busy coaching teams, doing interviews or hanging out with other famous people. Who would've thought that throwing a ball into a ring would get you this far? Not me.