To Kill Him || N.H (AU)

Twenty Three

My thoughts keep rambling on, it was actually making me a little gloomy and sad before the day even ends. It was like I am carrying the whole world on my shoulders, such feelings that I feel for the first time once again since I've been comfortable in Ireland. My breathing is getting uneven for no apparent reason and I just really feel so sad and problematic right now, all I want to do is just lay on a bed and sleep these thoughts away, hoping that they'll never come back once I wake up from my sleep. It's a bothersome and I can't even bring myself to snap away from my thoughts.

I waved Alice and Marian goodbye and the two of them went home while they chat whilst I lean on the wall beside the staircase, waiting for Niall to come down, his shift is supposed to end soon. We always go home together but right now, I just don't think it's a good idea to be with him for awhile. I need to stay away from him and avoid thinking about him, it's making my situation worse, it's not helping at all and lastly, it's really not that significant for me to think about all the time but here I am, waiting for him to come down so we can both go to his flat.

I sighed really deep and closed my eyes. It's only been a month and there's no way I could feel this way, it's a severe admiration but I think it's the same thing I feel towards Zayn so it's really not a problem. But it's really bothering me, another part of me is shouting that it's not the same as how I feel towards Zayn, so maybe it's really just a crush, besides, who wouldn't even admire someone so angelic like him? This'll probably pass and fade as the time goes by, it's just a phase. Even if it's a phase, I shouldn't be thinking about him all the time as if he's my priority, he's not and he'll never will be, who is he anyway? He's nothing more than just a stranger with a kind heart who took me in and instantly became a friend of mine, I shouldn't be leveling him to my parents' level to the point that I'm actually doubting if I should continue on with the mission.

It's not only because of Niall, it's also because of the mission, I'm starting to worry once again if I couldn't accomplish it and I'd end up in jail considering the fact that Liam might find out about my identity. All these thoughts are non stop, they keep on shouting at me and stays on my mind that I can't even think in peace.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek, I couldn't help but cry at this point because I'm overthinking about a lot of things. In a few days, I can get my first salary on the job, I'd find a cheap apartment to stay at as soon as possible. It doesn't matter if it's really small or anything, I just need somewhere I can stay where I'll be away from Niall because, I'd admit that I'm growing fond of him as each day passes by and it's wrong because if I keep on growing my fondness of him, he'll just get on the way of my mission. In that way, I can not only avoid him, I can also break this "crush on Niall" phase, I didn't want to know if I do have feelings for him or not anymore, it's not my job, I didn't came in Ireland just for this, so the sooner I get to move out, it'll be better for me to start focusing on the mission. And even if I did have feelings for him and dream of us being together, it's really impossible now, who would even want me as their girlfriend?

"Hey," Someone greeted with a cheery tone but faded into a gloomy one, just like how I feel right now. I wiped a tear away that's been rolling on my cheek and sniffed then turned around so we can start going home now.

"Let's go." I signaled and started to walk without even waiting for him. The voice sounds familiar as Niall's so I'm sure that it's him. I heard running footsteps that's heading towards me and a figure soon then popped at my side as he walked slowly, just as slow as I am.

"Hey, don't just leave me alone like that." Niall complained, I didn't look up at him to see his face and I just kept on walking aimlessly, my eyes then drifted and saw Irish walking along with us but then a head peeked over to me and I jumped in surprise. "Hey," Niall said and since his head is the thing I'm seeing right now, I see his face form into a worried expression. Niall does help a lot of people but if he wants to help me, at least he needs to lessen his concern for me that makes me really flustered and admire him much more. I just snubbed him and kept walking while I look at the ground, I'm trying to help myself to not even like him more. We weren't meant to become friends, like I said before, I'm not here in Ireland to do anything, I'm here to finish my job and get my parents out, that's all I've cared about, nothing more, nothing less so why am I here actually friends with a lot of people in Ireland now? I'm not supposed to do this, if only I became more responsible and didn't even bother to develop my relationship with Niall, I wouldn't be having feelings that would complicate me along the way. I'm now realising this, but I did everything wrong from the very beginning.