When Heaven meets Hell

Chapter Thirty Eight

The cold nipped at Joan's skin, snow falling silently upon her shoulders. Standing before her parent's graves, all she could see was a thick blanket of white, settled snugly on the gravestones and overhead branches. She shifted her gaze skywards, hand reaching out to catch snowflakes as the wind whistled in her ears.

Christmas is approaching. She told herself. At this time of the year, Mum and I would have been visiting orphanages and giving out gifts. She always loved seeing the smiling faces of the children. I would then drag father to go get Christmas decorations. We always had so many at home, but I needed an excuse just to see the pretty lights in the shop windows. Then we would come home and make cakes with Rita and Mother.

It was these fond memories that made her keep the family traditions alive. She had left the Manor early that morning without telling anyone, taking a few gifts she distributed among the children at an orphanage her mother used to frequent, something she had not done in a long time. It felt strange to perform an act of kindness like this, but seeing the grateful expressions on the children's faces lifted her spirits a little, reminding her that there were so many others like her who had lost their parents at a young age.

After that she had strolled alone along a busy street packed with people getting ready for the holidays, stopping in front of what used to be her favorite toy shop. Hand pressed against the glass, she stared at the bright interior filled with toys of every shape and size, smiling at the elegantly dressed dolls, suppressing the urge to stroke the fur of a big white teddy bear in the corner and watching with childish amusement as the shop keeper make a puppet on strings dance. He spotted her standing outside and recognition flashed in his eyes, but by the time he came out of the shop, Joan was gone.

The last of the traditions remained to be fulfilled, yet Joan could not bring herself to do it.. It was the one tradition she could not do without her parents. Even the thought of proposing such an idea seemed ridiculous, although Rita had been glancing in her direction hopefully once the holiday season had arrived.

Joan's heart ached, betraying the feeling of sadness she felt, gazing frown at her parent's graves. She had placed a wreath on the graves, the red satin and green leaves adding some color to the otherwise dreary sight.

Happy holidays Mother and Father. She greeted them silently. I wish you were here. I wish we could celebrate Christmas like we always did.

But of course, nothing was the same as it was before. Everything she had ever loved was gone, the memories themselves slowly fading into nothingness, a piece of the past lived once and then forgotten. She tried to cling to those happy memories, to find some comfort and solace in the thought that she had once loved and been loved, that there had been happier times. But the dark voice in her head was wrenching away those memories, leaving her to drown in the darkness within her mind.

I'm alone now. She told herself, her hand touching her forearm and feeling the faint throb of her mark below. Who in the right mind would care about a monster like me?

After the lapse a few days earlier, Joan had grown more secluded and quiet than ever before, keeping to her room or study and speaking to no one, especially not Heidi and Avander. In all honesty, she felt too embarrassed to face either of them. She was fully aware of her actions in those few minutes when she had lost control and felt it best to keep her distance for fear of repeating the scenario again.