STAR BLOSSOM | JUNGKOOK [HIATUS]

「022」

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I BELIEVE

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Jungkook's eyes looked much more scarier than before. What I thought was a sweet almond eyed guy was now actually furious with me. I don't know where to look, nor do I now whether to be happy or not. He had just hit the bullseye with no hesitation. Is this a good time to congratulate him?

I take a glance at Jungkook. He was definitely not his usual self. A silent gasp escapes my mouth; shock from the shot and shock from his unusual behaviour.

He continues to stare at me with his bold eyes, not letting me go one bit. I gulp with fear- I'm afraid of Jungkook.

"You're telling me to be nice to someone who was mean to you? What kind of logic do you have Seo Yoonbyul!?" yelled Jungkook.

"I just-" Jungkook cuts me off before I could give him a reason.

"I don't care whether she's a fan or not. She's a two-faced bitch and you know that. I'm disappointed in you thinking that I would be nice to someone who's obviously despicable," said Jungkook.

The club meeting draws to a close as Jungkook storms out. I try to grab his attention, but he was already down the hallway. I want to apologize for this misunderstanding. I stereotyped him. I simply assumed that he would be nice to everyone. I only assumed it because he is an idol, he has a reputation and an image to hold onto. But Jungkook is human too, he can choose however he wants to treat his fans- it's his choice. I have no reason to be in his way of his choices or beliefs. After all, everyone believes different things. For me, I believe in me, I believe in myself.

J U N G K O O K

I made a big deal out of it didn't I? I hope Yoonbyul doesn't misunderstand where I'm going with this. Oh who am I kidding, why should I be worried about her? She's so dense, she's a complete idiot. It's cute how blank she gets and how she doesn't understand certain situations, but still...

Ugh, Jeon Jungkook get your head together! How come she just doesn't understand that I value her so much as a friend? I can't just pretend that I can't see her even when there's a fan around. She even nonchalantly told me to pretend that she was invisible. How could I possibly do that?

I arrive back at the dorm and place my face into the pillows and covers. Maybe this is one of the flaws I've been worrying about. I never seem serious to anyone at certain times and I make small problems become an argument. 

I'm sometimes ordinary, what is a guy like me? At times I seem like an angel or like a devil. Right now I feel like a devil.

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Was it right to choose 'idol' as my career path? Was it? Did I want his fame and fortune? I hate to sound like a brat, but I do, I wanted all of this; this music, passion, other beautiful things besides those, and fashion.

And after all this hard work I've been through to become an idol. I believe my damn voice will one day be spread, even if I've had times where I've questioned my dream or my existence itself, I haven't ever questioned my voice, so real.

Who would've thought that after becoming an idol that keeping a friendship would be so hard? I know that my hyungs are my only friends that I can keep because they're idols as well.

Don't follow your heart, but your head, ah, it's not easy to say. No matter what, in that direction will be closer to your heart. Even if you cover your face, you can't hide your heartbeat. I'll always follow my heart and it's beat. I just can't help but wonder how Yoonbyul does it, does she still remember her heart and it's beat?

When I first met Yoonbyul, I had the desire to befriend her. I don't know the true reason why, but somehow I knew she had a story to tell. And she seemed different compared to others.

Everyone experiences hardships, I may be an idol and all, but I'm human. No matter where I am or what I do, I believe, I believe. Even if sometimes you don't believe in yourself, if it's a dream others tell you to dream, they'll believe.

Y O O N B Y U L

'How could I pretend that you're invisible if you're all that I can see?' I don't know what that means, it's stressing me out. Why would Jungkook say such a thing?

I walk into class and take my seat. How will my friendship with Jungkook turn out? I honestly knew this day would come- nothing lasts forever.

After a few minutes of settling down, Jungkook arrives into the classroom, but he doesn't spare me a glance. I really should find the chance to apologize.

When class was finally over, I thought it would be a good time to go talk to Jungkook. I walk up to him as he was packing up, but he simply ignored me and walked away. 

What is this feeling? It's the exact same feeling I felt years ago. I was trying to make some new friends after the accident to get my mind off what happened, but it never worked out. I was always rejected of friendship. No one wanted to be friends with me because they all knew I've been through a transplant surgery. Everyone dared not to go near me, it was as if I had a contagious disease.

I remember crying about it while missing my family. That's why I've lost trust in making new friends up until now. And I know that it's stupid to think that way, but I've gradually been accepting to have friends or at least- a friend. At times like this you want to become everything, a leader for yourself, but you have to believe in yourself, your own leader. Bad thoughts and pessimistic realizations, we can only be truly used to it when we're looking outward.

Even after all the bad things that I've encountered, I still believe in love, believe in hope, believe in thoughts that I got while I be living this life, living this stuff like breathing.

The world is a nasty place where it seems like it has set up everything that should happen in my life. And all wanderings related to existence, sometimes until they're chaotic. Everything can coexist, positivity and negativity. Besides, everyone is going to die, same meaning, different road. There's no true point to keep a friend for that long, right?

Now back to reality, even Jungkook has got to a point where he doesn't want to talk to me or even look at me. I knew this friendship would never last. I watch him as he walks away down the hallway again. Somehow deep inside me I'm breaking- again.