The Enigma's Anomaly

How Could This Happen To Me?

Gerard looks like a fucking dork in a tux. I look like a fucking dork in a tux. Everyone is just a fucking dork today.

I've decided that this is not a date. It's just a meet up at a very fancy place with a really good looking dude, where I'm just a neutral plus one. It's being held in some sort of convention room/ restaurant. I don't know what the right word is.

Gerard looks really annoyed the moment I spot him, but he lights up when he sees me. He's standing outside his office and I get a cab from my apartment to meet with him. His clothes look starchy and stiff like the ensemble has been hanging in a closet for three years, which is actually quite likely.

I honestly think it's pretty cute on him. He looks out of place, but I like it.

"Wow, you look..." Gerard says, but he doesn't finish his sentence. I hope he wasn't going to say 'stupid' or 'ugly.'

Gerard tells me that where we're headed is not far from the office and he starts walking with myself behind him. He's not as fidgety this time around, as it's been two weeks, and it's nighttime. As a master marksman even I have trouble sniping at night so he wouldn't have much to worry about anyway. Obviously I'm not packing, but he doesn't know that.

The street is dark already, it's pushing eight o'clock, but there are plenty of cars passing by us. I watch him as we walk along the pavement. I don't try to I just can't help it. He looks so magnificent, and unpretentious.

I think about holding his hand. I would just take it and feel his warm palm against mine. My sweaty fingers mingling with his, while I try to prevent myself from shaking. The feeling of his thumb stroking across my purlicue. The way I'd try to hide the little smile I'd get just because of the feeling of his hand. I would lean against him and let his warmth exude into me. My hand would almost slip out of his because I'd be so nervous and he'd just grip it tighter so that I can't let go.

I would never runaway if he didn't want me to. I would stay with him, and I'd keep him safe from people who want to hurt him. I'd keep him away from harm and danger. I'd keep him away from people like... like me.

The thought washes away and it's replaced with a grim acceptance of this situation. I can never have that with Gerard. I can never have a life with Gerard, not the way I would want to. He wouldn't be safe with me there, an assassin. He'd be in harm's way, and he's already in harm's way. I'm his harm, but that seems so unfathomable.

I'm not holding his hand though. I'm not holding him, and I'm not even touching him. My life is the songs 'On My Own' from Les Miserables and 'Untitled' by Simple Plan on repeat. I can't stand this loneliness of knowing his inevitable downfall. I can't stand not knowing who I am, but most of all I can't stand knowing he can never be with me.

Gerard points to a building ahead of us that's a solid white and has a large number of windows. I'm actually not sure if the building is more window or wall. I think it's a museum of some sort, but it's not being used for that reason today. I think that it would be a rather beautiful place to hold a wedding ceremony or something.

As soon as we get into the building I feel out of place. Everyone is stuffy or old looking and I'm a tiny little guy with tattoos. These people around me are the kind of people who would be offended if someone so much as said the word 'damn.' Damn is a no-no word. So is hella.

I am hella lost in this damn setting.

There are some day's when you want to climb up on a table and start screaming obscenities at people just to see their reaction, and today is one of those days for me. I decide not to do that though.

I hover around Gerard for a while until I can't stand being so cramped amidst all the stuffy rich people. I envy the way they all make money by doing nothing. That would be so much more fun that having to work. Fewer moral problems as well.