The Enigma's Anomaly

What Makes A Monster?

I get a call at about eight in the morning which seems impossible. For as long as I have known Gerard he has never woken up before eleven. It is Gerard though, unless my Caller ID is lying to me. I can't deal with this right now, so I reject the call. I need some sleep. I have so much soul searching to do in the next few days that I need as much rest as I can possibly get.

I put the phone down to get back to sleep but it goes off again fifteen minutes later. Fucking Gerard. Doesn't he realize that it's early? I don't want to talk with anyone until I have eight hours of sleep at least, but having gone to bed after midnight last night, means that it's going to take me a while.

I want to just sleep! I turn my phone off, because I'm more likely to say something I'm going to regret if I'm tired. Maybe I'd confess undying love for him or maybe I'd tell him to go fuck himself. I'm very unpredictable when I'm sleepy.

I only manage to squeeze an hour more of sleep until I'm awake. I can't get back to sleep so I might as well just get up. Being up so early means I am in dire need of caffeine. After a cup of coffee and a stale piece of bread I found in my pantry, I'm awake enough to at least do something.

I don't know what to do though. I'm not trying to kill anyone at the moment. I could start actually writing that article about Gerard. That sounds like hard work. I'm not really in the mood to do anything that arduous today.

I might as well try to find a new case. Something quick so I can try to get my head back in the game. It feels like forever since I took a case even though I did one not too long ago, because of the one with Gerard taking so long. I'm not sure if I really want to do that either.

Mindlessly I start flipping through the file I have on Gerard. I don't know why, it just kind of comforts me. I don't really know what I'm looking for, I just want to see him.

Maybe I should call him back. Maybe I should go see him.

I turn my phone back on while debating this.

No matter how hard I try to console myself it hurts knowing that I'm this person. I'm this person who kills people. I'm this heartless person who's stared into the scope of a gun and taken away someone's life. I'm this person who sparing a guy's life solely because he's sweet. It occurs to me that the people I've killed in the past may have been sweet. They might've donated to charity, or saved a kids life once. I could've killed the next president and I wouldn't have even given it a second thought.

Now this stupid guy walks into my life and he makes me realize how callous I've been. What if I killed someone who was as amazing as Gerard. I've probably killed someone's fiancée. Someone's only child. Someone's best friend, or uncle, or aunt, or cousin. I've killed so many people and hurt even more.

Why am I only just realizing this?

I've been in this game for almost three years. It should have registered to me that I'm a bad person, but it feels like it's all coming to me now. How do I even live with myself? How do I keep walking around without a care when I've been the reason that so many people have had to plan funerals? People who are closer to the victims than I am to Gerard, and I just took away that life. And for what? Money? Is that all I am?

I just kill people for my own sake, but what makes me worth any more than those people? What gives me the right to live when they don't? I'm a murderer. The amount of blood on my hands is enough to get me several dozen death sentences.

What am I is the better question. I'm not even sure if someone like me is human. I kill people. That's wrong. No matter who you ask, or what the circumstances, murder is always wrong.

I try to convince myself I'm not to blame because I'm not the one who wants the victims dead, but at the end of the day, I'm the one who pulls the trigger. At the end of the day it's my actions that take lives away. I may be the middle man, but I don't stop it. I never do anything to stop the death from happening.