The Enigma's Anomaly

[Insert Beatles Joke Here]

My feet don't want to carry me to the car. It feels like I'm trying to walk with two broken ankles, because they keep flopping ineffectively beneath me. I look at the motel behind me where Gerard is, and I want nothing more than to go back and grab him. Maybe run away with him to Venice or something. It's true that Gerard, means more to me than Mikey, obviously, but losing Mikey would be just as bad as losing him. If Mikey were to die in place of Gerard or I, then it would be kind of like losing Gerard, but worse.

I don't regret what I'm doing, I really don't, I just wish there was an alternative. I don't want to die, no one does, not really. I want to live with Gerard and see Mikey on weekends and stuff, but that's not an option for me now. I'd need a miracle, but I don't think it's the time to pray. I've never been one to believe in miracles anyhow.

My fingers are shaking so much I'm surprised I even manage to get the car unlocked. I'm likely to just collapse here and now.

Gerard's going to hate me the same way I was going to hate him. I do believe, with every fiber of my being, that Gerard does have more of a purpose than I do. He does mean more than I do. He publishes a popular comic, and all I am is a washed-up assassin. I literally mean nothing compared to Gerard. If I'm a flame then he's a bonfire, and I'm not going to let his fire die out. Not now, it's too early for him.

I've had this coming to me for a long time. I don't really deserve to have met someone so nice, but I think Gerard does deserve to live. Gerard is for all intense and purposes, a remarkable human being, and the world needs him a lot more than it needs me.

This knowledge is enough for me to stop fumbling my fingers long enough to get the keys into the lock, where I sit down and stare at the wheel for probably longer than is entirely necessary. It's so hard to move though, knowing that this is it. Once I start this engine and take to the road, I'm as good as dead. I don't know how long it's going to take. Surely Banks is smart enough to get things done quickly, but just how quickly is he willing to let me die? Personally I don't see him as the torture type, but he doesn't like me very much so that's always a possibility.

Fuck, when I was younger I was the kind of kid who'd push you in front of me if I thought there was a man with a chainsaw about to attack us. I would've sold out just about anyone if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, and I wouldn't of thought twice about it. I was selfish, and I couldn't have given a shit about you if it meant risking my own safety. It was always just so stupid to me, like I never believed any of that shit about people risking themselves for others. I was the guy in the horror movie who got the fuck out of the haunted house and moved somewhere else. I was the guy who yelled at the television when some guy made a heroic sacrifice, but look where I am now.

I'm driving a car onto a highway to save someone else. It's not even fucking Gerard, it's Mikey! On a lot of levels I am doing this for Gerard, but I'd say it's more so for Mikey. Gerard will be alive, and that's what I want, but it's Mikey who I am going to save today. I believe in Mikey though. I believe he can help Gerard get over this. Part of me does hope he never gets over me, but most of me wants him to live a happy life and be grateful that I saved him. Mikey will have his brother, and that's what matters.

Who am I to Mikey if Gerard is dead? I'm just the guy who let his brother go and get himself killed, and I don't want to be that. If I'd let Gerard go in my place than Mikey and I would be alive and I'd never be able to look the guy in the eyes. He's got Gerard's eyes, maybe not as bright, but still the same. He'd know forever that I could've died instead of Gerard. I would be Faramir, and he Denethor. He would always wish I'd died instead, but I will do what I have to.

The day is still early, but the sun has been up for a while. It forces me to squint at the existential road in front of me. It looks so dull and boring, like I couldn't care less about any patch of road. The sun forces me to see little puddles of water in mirage form when there actually are none, but I don't pay them any mind. I have to think about all the things that keep me calm right now or I won't be able to do this. The person that makes me calmest is currently stuck to a headboard and I miss him so much.