The Enigma's Anomaly

I'll Sit At Home and Refine the Person I Want to Be

I'm not going to lie to you, never in my life have I ever slept with someone without having sex. I've never spooned unless I'd also fucked so that makes last night pretty peculiar.

I didn't have sex with Gerard, and I didn't care that I didn't either. He was just so warm and I didn't want to leave so I stayed over. His body is like an envelope of warmth against me that I would normally find uncomfortable, but I don't. I find it pretty relaxing actually and I don't feel like ever getting out of bed again.

I feel like a teenager with their first love. I just feel so calm when he's around me and it's unlike any feeling I've ever experienced before.

When I do wake up my face is pressed against the side of his shoulder with my head mostly on the pillow. Gerard's still sleeping and he looks so precious in this state. His chest is rising slowly and his face is purely tranquil.

It's late in the morning and I can hear the sound of both cars and birds from the window, though the curtains are drawn so I can't see out. I hear the quiet sound of his breathing as well and soon find my own exhales to match his.

He's so pretty that no words do him justice. I watch him for little while and I honestly don't get bored of him. I take everything in about him. His fingers are dry and color stained from drawing, his roots are showing slightly at the top of his head and there's a very small, hardly noticeable, tint of red to his pillow from hair dye rubbing off. I keep constantly reminding myself that this is real and that I'm really here. Gerard is lying there next to me and I couldn't ask for a more amazing moment then this.

I watch him as he slowly transitions into being awake and my body feels honored to witness it. He squirms carefully in the webbing of blankets until his eyes flicker open drowsily.

He mumbles something that sounds like my name and smiles when he sees me.

"Morning," I whisper.

"Mm, morning," he says and yawns. "So if your presence is anything to go by then I guess this means that I didn't just have a really great dream last night?"

"I guess so," I answer. No way did he dream about dating me. Me? Why would anyone dream about me? Did he dream about kissing me the way that I've dreamt about kissing him? If so then he's got a lot more self-control than I do.

"What time is it?" Gerard asks and he grabs a pillow to hide his face. He looks so cuddly when he's hiding and I honestly can't tolerate how happy I am. He's like a giant teddy bear. I just really want to hug him all the time.

I was going to murder him. I was actually going to murder this guy and now I'm in his bed. This is unreal. It's so magical to be near him right now. I feel like it's magical to be near him at any time. I'm going crazy being around him, but I'm okay with it.

"It's like noon or something," I answer him.

"I'm tired," Gerard groans, and I smirk. I pull the pillow away and look down at him. He frowns up at me with tired looking eyes.

"Hi," I say.

"You're cute," he says.

"Shut up."

It starts to sink in again that I was going to kill this guy. I've killed so many people and for so little. I'm a murderer. A heartless murderer. I've killed other peoples Gerard's. The way I feel about Gerard is the way someone probably felt about someone I killed, but I didn't even consider that. I just shot.

My face must give away the epiphany because Gerard looks concerned and asks me if something is wrong.

"Um, I'm not sure," I say.