The Enigma's Anomaly

Shoot Straight

"So they're letting Mikey out of jail," Gerard says, hanging up the phone.

"That's great!" I say.

"I think so," he says, but there's something else there. Something is wrong that I'm not picking up on.

"That's the best news I've heard all year Gerard, what could you possibly be upset about?"

"Officer Roland. He's dead. Dead, Frank! He had answers. He was the only lead we had, and he's gone. He could've told us what he knew, he was an asset, and now he's just dead."

I frown, "but Mikey's okay. Gerard think about it this way, if we hadn't gone to that office today Mikey's life would still be in danger. If we hadn't been interrogated and held at the station for however many hours then one or both of us might have been suspects in this guy's murder. Today is a good day, Gerard. It's a triumph not a loss."

"You say that but look at what they've done Frank. Look at what they've done. They tried to kill you. They tried to kill me. Everyone is being put at risk by all this shit and it's my fucking fault!"

"You can't blame yours-"

"I can blame myself, and I do! This is all my fault. Whatever I've done, whoever I've pissed off it's ripping a hole in my life, and everyone who I love!" he raises his voice looking at me pleadingly. I don't know what he wants from me, I want him to understand that this isn't his fault. There's nothing he could've done that would deserve this type of wrath. Nothing. He may have done something bad, but no one deserves this.

"Gerard, stop it," I say shortly, "you're hot-headed and rash right now."

"Don't you get it? This is all because of me. If I had just been fucking killed that first time like I was meant to than none of this would have happened. None of this! Okay, none of this shit would've happened. If I were just dead then everyone would be so much better off, Frank."

"Don't you dare say that!" I yell back at him, "Don't you dare fucking say we'd be better off without you."

"You would!"

"Damn it. I love you, Gerard, and hearing you say that is ripping my heart out!"

He replies with his voice cold and scared, "Why didn't he just shoot fucking straight Frank? That day two months ago, why didn't that first assassin just shoot straight?"

"Gerard," I plead with him.

"I wouldn't have been a target anymore. I wouldn't have put Mikey in danger, or you, and everything would all have been so much better if I'd just died. If I died now than no one would be out there right now trying to kill me."

"Please, Ger-"

"Why didn't he just fucking shoot straight Frank?" he says raising his voice. "Why couldn't I have never met you, and never put you in fucking danger! Why couldn't I have died that day and kept Mikey safe? I just want to keep Mikey safe, and you safe but I can't do that, because I'm just in everybody's fucking way."

I actually feel myself crying now and I just want him to stop talking. Stop blaming himself, and just stop.

Gerard looks down at his hands and his head looks heavy on his shoulders like he's trying not to fall down.

In a whisper he says again, "why couldn't he just shoot straight?"

Gerard looks up at me and his eyes make stiff contact with mine, "why didn't you just shoot straight, Frankie?"

My mouth dries instantly and my heart stops.

"What did you just say?" I ask him, and every syllable is hard to back up with sound.