A Year of Stories (Collection Three)

The Next One Comes With Claws

Hey Rohan,

I know you're new here, but can you do me and the firm a solid and actually, maybe, look at your contracts once or twice before sending them off to clients?

I don't know what they taught you at whatever one horse firm we scrapped you out of, but here at Ashfert Partners, we have standards. Standards we enforce with laughably agonizing pain, when they aren't upheld.

I'm feeling charitable today, so instead of spending the afternoon picking pieces of your soul out from my teeth, I'm going to offer you some advice that might extend your lifespan by a few months.

First and foremost, we work with both "Heroes" and "Villains" around here, I've added the scare quotes to punctuate the fact that these are two very different categories of clients – with different needs, different pay scales, and most importantly different, bloody Contracts.

It's in our best interest that the people we represent don't know the full details of their competitor's agreements with us. Allowing them to know these details, tends to infuriate them. I'm not sure if you've ever seen what a person who can bench press an Aircraft Carrier is like when they're infuriated, but I can assure you that it's bad.

I tell you this so that you understand that when you send Hawthorne – a low rent Hero who barely made our D-List – a contract meant for our top performing Villains – it hurts the company's reputation, and potentially maims our Recruiters, which is expensive.

So try to avoid that in future, OK?

Second, you know that Hedge God we have Soul-Bound to the Pantheon Servers over in Blue?

You don't?

Well that would explain why none of your documents are in the system, and why Bal'eal almost vivisected a poor Associate who called Her a liar, when she wasn't able to find the last Scope of Work you endorsed.

Perhaps you should look over the Employee Handbook before you end up Soul-Bound to the Espresso Maker.

Finally, Names are important. Important both because they allow us to bind extra-planar beings to our electronic equipment, and because when dealing in legally binding contracts, especially with people who can shoot laser beams from their back hair, misspelling code names – no matter how stupid or convoluted they are – makes us look unprofessional.

When we look unprofessional, we lose clients.

When we lose clients, we lose money.

When we lose money, the Partner's lose their temper.

When the Partner's lose their temper, heads roll...quite literally, and for a very long time.

So, re-read your contracts, drop them off with Bal'eal when they're finished, and try not to be such a twat with Names.

Manage that and you might survive long enough to write one of these letters...

By the way, consider this a friendly warning, your first and last.

Screw up again, and the next version comes with claws....

Yours,

Error Low

Vice President of Meta-Human Investment

Ashfert Partners