The Perfect Man | J Cole

02

Gianni

I stared at the chocolate cake I made as I sat down on the stool.

The candles lightened my eyes as I felt like shit. This is all my fault.

Knowing it was his birthday today, made me want to run up to him and apologize for leaving him.

I looked down at my tiny tummy. I still couldn't believe this was really happening. "It's daddy's birthday." I whispered as I rubbed my tummy.

Tears left my eyes and it rolled down my cheek to the side of my mouth, making me taste the saltiness.

I stared at my phone, waiting for the clock to hit 12.

And when it did... God.

I hope I NEVER get that feeling again.

Pain, hatred, missing, aching all of the emotions ran over me and goosebumps covered my entire body.

It was Jermaine's birthday. My baby turned 17 and I wasn't there to celebrate it with him.

Did he find another girl in these 2 months? Or is he still heartbroken like I am?

I grabbed one of Jermaine's pics that were spread across the table. I caressed it with my fingers as if I was touching his skin.

"Happy birthday, J." I kissed the pic and blew the candles, making the room dark.

Here I was. All alone. Without Jermaine. Missing him like fucking crazy, carrying his baby.

Was I even doing the right thing? Did I have to leave him? Should I have told him?

I shook my head. What I did was right. Jermaine already has so much worries in his life. He watched his mom go through 2 marriages where she was treated vulnerably. The second husband even abused Jermaine and his entire family.

I remember when he would come to my home, crying about how useless he felt. He was only 14 when it started.

"I want to make my mom and brother proud." Is what he always used to tell me. And I believed him.

Eventhough Jermaine just turned 17, he was a man of his word. He did everything he promised.

Not only did he do that, he was the sweetest boy I ever met.

I remember how he used to help me with my homework, eventhough he, himself, had a special hate passion towards school.

He used to make my homework when I was on my period or when I had one of my bad days.

I wouldn't talk to him cause I would always snap. He handled it so perfectly. He would just grab my schoolbooks, make my homework, cuddle me and that would snap me right back to my emotional mood where I would just cry about everything.

Especially when my mom died because of cancer.

Jermaine was devastated since he had a special bond with my mom. He even used to call her 'ma'. Which my mom loved and she treated J just as her own son.

But my situation...

I was lost, when my mom died. So lost. And I still am.

She was always the one to advice me and help me out. She would make me laugh in my worst moments.

We wasn't rich and we still aren't, but my mama made everything happen. And I wish I could thank her, cause I never got to do that.

All my anger, I left it out on everyone. Especially Jermaine since he would visit me every single day.