The Perfect Man | J Cole

20

Gianni

"Jermaine, I don't know how to say this." I closed my eyes.

"Just tell me, Gi. You know I hate when you do this."

I looked at him and grabbed his hand. "I never wanted this to happen and it was a mistake and I want to set things straight."

Jermaine smirked and moved closer. "You pregnant with my baby?" I looked at him and laughed at his excitement. "No, Jermaine." I shook my head and the enjoyment on my face faded away quickly. "It's something else."

"Just tell me, you getting on my nerves now." He removed my hand from his. I knew Jermaine gets agressive quickly when you don't get straight to the point. He's always been like this.

I stood up and walked towards the envelope that I had laying on the kitchen counter. I grabbed it, opened it and handed the pictures of Lorenzo's sonogram. Jermaine frowned and looked at me. "What is this?"

"Lorenzo's solograms." My heart was about to beat out of my damn ribcage. I was so scared y'all. Especially the looks Jermaine was serving.

"Yo, you made me come over just to show me some fucking solograms? I don't care about Lorenzo's solograms, Gianni." I was about to say something to him when I felt hands being wrapped around my tummy. My breath started to hitch and my view became pitch black.

"Baby," I heard Jermaine voice's and I shot right up. I was laying in my bed, next to Jermaine. I looked at the time. 3:09. "You good babygirl? You shaking." Jermaine sat up and opened the lights. "Damn, Gianni, what was you dreaming about? You sweating too." He stood up. "I'm gonna get you some water alright." He rushed out of the room and I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down.

Damn.

This is one of the weirdest dreams I've ever had. I actually dreamed of what my dad told me to do. Jermaine came back in the room, holding an apple and a glass of water. "Apple?" I chuckled and he nodded. I could barely use my voice. "I know you like apples. Something to make you happy." He gave me a small smile and I pecked his lips. "You're enough to make me happy." I whispered. He smiled widely and handed me the glass of water. "Stop being adorable now." I grabbed the glass and took a big gulp. "What's up? Did you have a nightmare?" Jermaine asked as he got back under the sheets.

I put my glass on the nighstand next to the bed and took a bite of my apple.

"I forgot. It wasn't anything serious." J didn't seem too convinced but he let me slide. "Alright, baby. Just making sure you okay." He layed on his back and put his hands underneath his head as he stared at the ceiling.

I finished eating my apple and grabbed my fur slides, wearing them. "Where you going?" Jermaine asked as he leaned on his elbows.

"I'm just going to sit at the balcony. I need some fresh air. You go to sleep, I won't stay away for long." Jermaine nodded and closed the lights.

As soon as I stepped out on the balcony, I took a deep breath. I really needed to think. After this dream, I'm more confused then I've ever been. My dad's words were lingering through my mind and so were Jermaine and Lorenzo.

Lorenzo growing up without a 'real' father and Jermaine not even knowing he's a father. I know they both have the rights of knowing, even if Lorenzo's only 2. He deserves to know.

But it's hard. This situation is not just one I can solve real quick. I can't solve it that fast. I need time, I need someone to talk to and I need someone who actually understands.

I know I've talked to my dad about this so many times, but still. All my dad can do is get mad and basically force me to make a choice or else I'm not doing it right. I could talk to Jilenna, but then again, I don't feel like talking to her.

So this is exactly how my life is going; I don't know what I want in life. Do I want that? Do I want this? I don't know. But all I seem to be thinking about is Jermaine.

How sweet he's being. How amazing he's treating me. How careful he is. He's scared to even touch me the 'wrong' way. It feels so beautiful when we touch or just when I catch a simple glimpse of him.

Everything he does, makes me feel like I'm being pulled into a deeper hole. That hole used to be bright and beautiful, but now it feels dark and ugly. Cause the more the minutes pass the more I'm lying to him. The more I'm taking away his son. His own flesh and blood. Which I don't even have the rights to do so. How can I set things straight. How can I tell him I kept away his son away for 2 years and try to not get him mad?

What am I even saying? Of course he'll get mad. Everyone would get mad! Not to forget his family. What will Zach and Kay think? God, they are probably going to hate me even more.

First for leaving Jermaine with no valid explanation, just to find out I was keeping away his child.

I closed my eyes and let a tear roll down my cheeks.

My life has never been this confusing.