Bracelets // Mgc

Forty Six (tw)

Dear Michael,

I'm sorry.

I'm selfish for this. I'm self centered for this. I only care about myself and my own wants, my own problems.

But it's okay.

It's okay to put yourself before other people. It's okay to think of yourself first. Don't be afraid to focus on yourself every now and then.

It's kind of ironic, isn't it? I spent days and days and days telling you everything was going to be okay. I must have told you a million times that the only opinion that should matter is your own and that everyone else is irrelevant. I spent countless hours telling you that you'll get better and that things like self-harm and suicide wasn't the answer.

And they're not, but I'm a hypocrite. I'm a shitty person who can't listen to her own advice.

You see me as some strong individual, capable of lifting all the weight people set on me, from school to my family to even you and the band. You see me as some beautiful girl who doesn't know her true worth, blinded by others' words of negativity.

But you're wrong.

I'm not strong. Beautiful, that's a matter of opinion, and I see myself as ugly. Inside and out. All the way around. I'm in no way beautiful. But you were blinded by your thoughts and ideas of me that you couldn't see it.

I'm writing this to tell you that I'm tired. I'm done. I'm sick of feeling like a disappointment to everyone. I'm sick of wishing for death when I have control over it. I'm sick of feeling helpless, usless, unhappy, and most importantly, empty.

I'm tired of feeling empty, lost, uninterested. I'm tired of being stuck in a place I don't want to be with responsibilities I can't handle on my own, because at the end of the day, that's what I am. I'm alone.

And I'm sorry.

I don't want you to cry reading this. I don't want you to feel anything but happy for me. It's cliche but I believe there's happiness in wherever you go after you dje. And there's only one way to find out, correct?

I don't want you to blame anyone, anything. If you want to point fingers, point them at me. I'm the one with the pills. I'm the one with the knives. This is no one's fault but my own.

I cannot handle this. I am tired. I am done. Not you. Not Krystal. Not my family. I, as in myself. This is not about anyone but myself, because like I said, I'm self centered. I'm selfish. I care only about myself.

This is the perfect life lesson Michael; don't be like me.

You're doing so well. Maybe you get stressed and break down every now and then, but that's okay. You're doing great. Keep it up. I believe in you. I absolutely love you, not Michael Clifford from 5 Seconds of Summer, but you, Michael Clifford, who rages at video games and isn't afraid to show his emotions when they get extreme.

You have so much ahead of you, from the band to a family. I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you can forgive me for such a selfish act. Don't let me stop you from living your dreams and meeting new people.

Lots of love,
                                       Aleigha xx