Its A Deal!

Face The Feelings

Heading back to school after the over dramatic weekend that I had had turned out to be more anticlimactic than I expected.

Matty was back yeah... And so was his new found disinterest and arrogance.

I tried to wrap my head around his behaviour, but I honestly didn't know what to say or do.  Considering it was one of those things in the first place that made him the way he is.

I tried recalling our last conversation which let's face it... wasn't that hard given that he practically told me - he regretted our kiss and god knows what else.

"it was a mistake "not words you expect a guy who is supposedly in love with you to say when you kiss him.

Either way my reasons for kissing him were selfish... So maybe I deserved it. His rejection. Maybe I needed to feel that kind of hurt  which I'm sure is nothing compared to what he must feel, but I'll take whatever he is giving if it means at some point I get my friend back.

"hello? Earth to Sam? " Chris asked waving his palm in front of my face.

"Are you okay? "
We still hadn't discussed what happened at the party, well he hadn't bought it up, so maybe he doesn't remember anything,or maybe he doesn't want to.
But I had decided that I was going to let it be, so it didn't matter anymore.

" Yupp,I'm great"
We were in English and Mr. Ezra had assigned us groups to read and discuss "The Scarlett Letter" with.

Despite all our antics in class he had decided to put Chris, and I in one group along with Susie Banners from the chess Club, Karen Healy who had a major crush on my fake boyfriend and Jake Destin another jock.

An odd group from any angle. But good enough that everyone stuck to their own work.
Even Karen, who kept looking up at Chris through her thick black geek glasses every few seconds,was not trying to strike any kind of unwanted discussion, which I was glad for.

Chris shakes his head,worry clear in his eyes along with a hint of mischief.
"See, you had me at yupp, but then lost me again at "I'm great" "

I just smiled as I tried getting back to the book at hand.

Sometimes it felt like I was bearing the Scarlett letter these days, especially after Matty's return, since wherever I went stares and whispers seemed to follow me.

It was like there was this big "B"  for bitch instead of the "A" that seemed to be etched on me and my clothes.

I tried not thinking about it, but that proved to be harder than I thought considering it was my best friend who put me in this position in the first place.

I felt Chris eyeing me from the side and after ignoring him for a while I finally sigh and turn to the side to meet his gaze.

"What? " I ask trying to squeeze in a slight smile to let him know there was nothing to worry about.

He looked at me, his hair slightly falling over his forehead and his eyes holding back so much emotion that I was unsure if it was my mind playing tricks on me.

" What do you have next" he whispered after what seemed like a long time.

I frowned a little, confused by his question, but answered him none the less.

"Um... World History, I guess, why? "

Chris just looks at me, and I mean really looks at me and suddenly I feel my stomach drop.

" We are skipping "He spoke finally and as if nothing had happened turned back to his book and left me there wondering what was going to happen

                        *********

An hour,two hidden staircases and one abandoned building later, I found myself alone with Chris, skipping class for no apparent reason.

“You know I don't usually get anyone here,I mean,this is just-I dont know...my quiet place?I guess? If that makes any sense"

Of course it made sense,it was like the beach was for me...this place was for Chris, but I still wasn't exactly sure as to what I was doing here.

".. but I felt like getting you here today,for some reason..." Chris continued

I wrapped my arms around myself, even though I had put on my jet black Fairview Falcons football hoodie the chill in the air was getting hard to ignore as we stood on the terrace of the old abandoned building at the back of the main school building.

I remember there being rumours of some students burning this place down as their senior year prank by mistake,but you never truly could say if there was any truth to it.

I look at Chris who was still looking out at the field,I couldn't tell if he was here with me, or somewhere else in his thoughts but before I could call out or ask him he spoke.

"So, about what happened at the party"
The effect was instantaneous, it's like every bit of my skin was on fire and my heart rate multiplied a hundred times. He was still looking out at the sky, with me right there, but there was no sign of discomfort or stress on his face. 

His features looked smooth and perfect from the side angle that I was at, not a single frown line visible. It's like he was reciting  something he had practised a million times and just that thought made my stomach flip again.

"I know what Matty did must have hurt you a lot and I know that you guys have been friends since forever and I shouldn't come between that, but you should know... I will punch some sense into him if I have to, for you.”

Chris's words were filled with sincerity and everything he had said had been nice and for me, yet I felt all the excitement and happiness that had just build up inside me drain in a second. 

He was talking about Matty and Me.  Not him and me.
That somehow hurt me more than I thought it would.
I don't think I realised how much I was falling for him up until right this second.
With him staring at me with concern and love, but not the kind of concern and love that I was now aware that I wanted.

And that broke my heart more than any thing Matty ever said.

Looking on the bright side though -  looks like I won't be faking anything anymore...I had fallen for Christian McKibben and I had fallen hard.

And now it was time for me to face my feelings.

And maybe tell him?
  
                          **********
(Short chapter to slowly get back to the story....)

Law school is hard!
That's my only excuse.. Sorry

Love always
antisocial_dp2