blue jay | janiel

twelve

Joey

It was still dark outside but at least the rain had stopped. All I could think about on the way back to the motel was Derek. When he screamed at me, it brought me back to a place I didn't want to go to, a time I had long ago repressed. I couldn't even say anything back because I was so stunned and I had to leave.

I didn't want to hurt Derek. I cared about him too much, more than I should have and making him cry was never my intention. I had to talk to him tomorrow, when he was feeling better.
I hoped he would forgive me.

When I got to the motel, Preston was sleeping in our bed and I'd never been happier to see him. I took off my damp clothes and slipped into a soft oversized red sweater. I got under the covers and pressed myself against his body, trying to get as close as I could.

I wrapped my arm around his waist and gripped hard, shutting my eyes and exhaling deeply. It felt so comforting to sleep with someone who truly cared about me and accepted me and didn't judge me at all. He was my friend and he always would be.

Daniel

I stumbled into my motel room, drenched from the rain. Without bothering to turn on the lights, I peeled my sticky wet clothes off and let them drop to the floor. My body was wet too, but I didn't care. I blindly made my way towards the refrigerator as tears streamed down my face like water from a dam. I dropped to my knees and pulled the door open.

Faint white light illuminated from the fridge and onto my skin and I fumbled through the shelves, looking for something; anything to get rid of the intense buzzing in my head. My hands brushed over a small white container of ibuprofen and I grabbed it, knocking over a number of other containers.

My body was trembling as I sat on the cold carpet-less floor. The pills rattled against the plastic jar in my hand as they shook and I couldn't control myself. I couldn't stop. I struggled to open the lid because I was too unsteady.

D: F-f-fuck

I whimpered, teeth chattering madly. Salty tears slid into my mouth and I tasted my misery in the darkness. I wanted nothing more than to go home.

I finally managed to twist the lid off and I flung it hard across the room. I lifted the container up at the tip of my mouth and swallowed a handful of pills dry. They stuck to my throat and I gagged at the mix of warm salt and chalky medicine. My heart felt hollow and my insides were a bottomless pit.
I was empty and numb except for the searingly sharp regret that burned through my lungs and I wheezed to breathe.

I let myself fall to the floor, vulnerable and alone.