Twitter ∞ Dan Howell

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As soon as we got to the party, I knew I was going to hate it.

Okay, maybe that was a little harsh. But I'd outgrown big parties with loud music and lots of people. I'd left those back in my earlier twenties. Bess tucked her hand into mine, and I looked down at her - she looked excited. These parties were still fun for her. Being a relatively new, smaller Youtuber, this was her glimpse into a whole other world. I gave her a tight smile.

We went over to Louise, giving her and her boyfriend a hug. Louise gave me her big Louise grin.

'Hello, Dan!' She said loudly, obviously on her third or so wine. 

I laughed, grinning at her. 'Hello, Louise.' She greeted Phil and Bess, stopping at Bess, waving at her dress. 

'Why do you always look so perfect!' Louise complained, her wine sloshing in her hand. 

Bess gave her a blushed smile. 'Oh, thanks,' she said. 

Bess offered to go get me a drink, so she wandered off into the throng of people to grab us some wines. Louise watched her go, her slim figure drifting past people, dress shifting around her waist. 

'I seriously cannot believe you're dating her,' Louise said, sinking her shoulder into me. She bent her head, like she was considering this. 'She's so hot.'

'What, and I'm not?'

'You know what I mean.'

Louise offered me a sip of her wine. It was rosé, my favourite. Bess came back eventually, slotting into the conversation easily, smiles lighting up the circle like a high-watt beam. We talked like this for a while - Phil, me, Bess, Louise, and her boyfriend. We talked about nothing. Nothing, really. Things that didn't feel like they meant anything. Friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, videos, events. Empty things. 

I was feeling a little anxious as people got louder and the crowds got thicker, so I made an excuse about needing a breath of fresh air. Bess had just left to get some more wine with Louise. Phil offered to come with me. 

'You alright?' He said as we ascended the steps. Outside it was freezing - I zipped the front of my jumper up. 

'Yeah, I'm okay,' I said, and we went over and stood by the balcony. There was no one up here seeing as it was so cold. The silence was almost deafening. Cold, brittle wind licked at one side of my face, the tips of my hair. 

'Is this about what I said earlier? About being glad Meg was back?'

I shook my head. 'No, no, it's fine, Phil. Really.'

We were quiet for a while. It was never awkward with Phil, though. We were used to being together, and being together was often just quiet - we appreciated just being near each other. We didn't need words for that. 

'I never got why you just stopped talking to her,' he said eventually. 'You seemed to like her so much.'

I didn't need to be told who he was talking about. 'Bess came along,' I said, shrugging. 'And I like Bess.'

'So why does that mean you have to stop being friends with Meg?'

'Phil, can you get off my case?' I said, annoyance slipping into my voice. 'Meg's great, alright? But she's not here. Bess is.'

'She's here now.'

'That's not the point,' I muttered. I rested up against the balustrade. I was looking down, the world in a kind of funnel to the pavement, where lights sat like dots against the concrete. The glass of the windows in front of us shone black. 

After a while, Phil said, 'well, I want to be friends with her.'

'You do that,' I said bitterly.

I could feel Phil's eyes on me. 'And you're going to be fine with that?'

I mimicked Meg's words from earlier. 'We're all adults here, Phil,' I said. 'So of course I'm fine with it.'

I wasn't, really, not if it meant seeing her again. It would be hard to keep on forgetting her, which is what I knew I needed to do.

Phil left before us. I think he was a little mad at me, which was understandable. I would be mad at me too. The problem with being a prick is that it's almost always too hard to admit it to yourself. So I didn't say anything as he left.

Bess and I stopped for ice-cream on the way home, sitting by the river, legs crossed, knees touching. She told me about how she'd like to do a video with me, one day, once we'd gone public with the relationship. I nodded. 

Back home, the lights were off - Phil must have already been asleep. We went into my room and there was no light here either, the curtains drawn, so it was total, heavy darkness. Her fingers found me in the void, soft hands tugging me down to the bed. Her lips trailed down my neck. The cool night air prickled against my bare skin as she tugged my shirt off. 

Afterwards, she curled into me, small and warm. I had one arm around her waist, and she was asleep, her breath gently fanning across my chest. I looked up at the ceiling, but it was all just perpetual blackness - I imagined the sky, the stars. An infinite universe of possibilities. I wondered if there was a reality where it was Meg tucked under my arm, not Bess. And I hated myself for thinking this.

I woke up sometime during the night. I looked down at the clock and it was 3:23 a.m. Bess was sleeping silently beside me. I looked back to the ceiling - I imagined all the seven billion people in the world. I imagined the nine million Londoners tucked in their beds, and then I imagined Meg, eyes closed, lips parted, face slack with sleep. 

I squeezed my eyes shut, digging the heel of my hand into my eyes. Stop it, Dan. Pull yourself together. This is enough. 

Enough. 

i'm updating so much wtf is this

MERRY LATE CHRISTMAS

will be back to meg next chapter - hope you all enjoyed <3

xxxxx