Twitter ∞ Dan Howell

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Direct message from @danisnotonfire

@danisnotonfire: saw your tweet. feel like coffee??

@phanoclock: yesh please

@danisnotonfire: what do you want? also which park you at

@phanoclock: caramel latte and at regent's 

@danisnotonfire: that place is fucking massive are you kidding

@danisnotonfire: specify child

@phanoclock: uhh there's some water and like some ducks 

@danisnotonfire: ...

@phanoclock: oh what do you want my bloody coordinates 

@phanoclock: i'm near the lake thing. there's trees

@danisnotonfire: of course there's trees it's a FUCKING PARK

@phanoclock: chill chill there's the lake and like a gazebo and a sign with bird species on it 

@danisnotonfire: k will come soon with coffee

9:45 a.m. 

I locked my phone, placing it on the grass in front of me. It was, in fact, a beautiful day - the clouds split apart and the bluest sky I'd seen in a long time peered out , sunlight shifting through the treetops, dappling across the grass. I sat back on my hands, the grass prickling the soft inners of my palms. 

Dan was here within ten or so minutes, two cardboard coffee cups clutched in his hands, his name scribbled in black marker over the white. He grinned at me. 

'Caramel latte, ma'am,' he said, mock-bowing a little as he passed over the drink. I took a sip as he sat next to me, grunting as he tried to pull his legs into a cross. 'God, crossing your legs is way too hard in skinny jeans,' he said, eventually managing to get them into place. He brushed his fringe back from his face, eyes peering out from beneath. 

'This is really good,' I commented, taking another sip, letting the coffee swish around in my mouth for a moment. I let it sit beside my thigh, stretching my legs out. 'But I do have a question: since when do you ever go outside?'

Dan mimicked my positioning, untangling his legs from his relatively unsuccessful cross and sliding them out, resting back on his hands, shoulders up around his neck. 'Phil has discovered the art of clairvoyance,' he said, shaking his head. 'He was searching for tealeaves in my mug this morning. I had to get out of the house before he started throwing tarot cards at my head or burning chicken bones and telling me I was either about to die in some great and horrific way or I was especially fertile.' 

I let out a laugh. The birds sung along with me for a moment. 'Oh, how Phil. It sounds quite entertaining though. I might have to get him to read my fortune next time I'm over.'

Dan pulled a face. 'What, you believe in all that shit?'

'God no. But it doesn't do any harm. Could be fun.'

Dan shrugged, taking a swig of his coffee. He was in all black again. I had a feeling he'd get on pretty well with my new dorm-mate, Xing. I reach over and pinched the sleeve of his shirt critically. 'Don't you own any colour at all?' I asked him. 

He grinned at me. 'Colour is for the weak, Meg. I happen to enjoy looking as depressing as humanly possible.'

'But what about yellow? Yellow is such a fun colour.'

Dan pretended like he was going to throw up. 'Yellow is an awful colour.'

'What!' I shrieked. I nearly threw my coffee at him. 'Are you kidding? It's so...happy.'

'Exactly.'

I shook my head, but I was smiling anyway. 'You suck.'

Dan gave me ironic finger guns. Thank God I wasn't the only one. 'And you swallow!'

'Wow, fucking original,' I said, throwing a handful of grass at him. He laughed, chucking some at me, until we were having an all-out grass war. After a few seconds I threw my hands up in defence, giggling. 'The poor grass doesn't deserve this,' I reasoned. 'It didn't do anything wrong.' 

'That's what the grass wants you to think.'

I laughed, and then we chatted for a while. Dan told me about this friend from uni that had caught up with him the other day. 

'It's just so different, now,' he told me, putting his coffee cup down. 'Like, do you want to be friends with me because you like me or because I've got six million subscribers on YouTube? People who never wanted to be friends with me before are suddenly trying to be my new best buddy and it's like, mate, I see through your shit.' 

I made a mn sound. 'I guess it would be hard. Not knowing if people liked you or liked who you were. I think it could make you quite paranoid.'

'Tell me about it.'

'I don't think I could do it,' I added, staring at the grass. An ant cascaded over the tip of a leaf, burrowing itself down into the ground. 'Being famous, I mean. I think we all want that, when we're younger, but I look at it now and I just think it would be too hard. For me, at least, for my personality. I'd go absolutely mental.'

'I've come close,' Dan admitted. I glanced up at him and he was looking at something in the distance, his ankles crossed, his face to one side. 'There's been times I just wanted to quit. Cut myself out of the world for a couple of months. There's a lot of stress involved. And sometimes I don't like who I've become.'

I frowned. 'You don't like yourself?'

'Sometimes,' Dan said, a little quietly. He was looking at his knees, his fringe flopping from his face. 'I just feel like I've changed a lot. Bits for the better, but definitely bits for the worst.' He was looking at me now, his face sort of twisted, like he was uncomfortable. 'I just need to feel validated all the time these days. It's checking social media every day and looking out for all the sweet comments and needing that to breathe, to exist. I can't go a day without opening my twitter, or instagram. It's like a fucking drug, Meg. And I'm knee-deep addicted to it.' 

I didn't say anything for a while. Eventually, I reached across and gave his hand a small squeeze. 'Well, I doubt it would help, but I hope you know that you're pretty great, regardless of what everyone else says. Or I wouldn't be friends with you. I'm only friends with great people, you see.'

A small smile crept over Dan's face. 'Oh, I see. Only great people, huh?'

'Only great people.'

Dan's phone buzzed, and he glanced down at it, turning it over so he could see the screen. 'Oh, that's Bess,' he said, looking back to me. 'I totally forgot. I promised her I'd help pick out a dress for tonight.'

'Tonight?'

Dan frowned. 'Didn't Phil invite you?'

Something like hurt and anxiousness bit at my insides. 'No?'

Dan looked mildly confused. 'Oh, he said he did. Never mind. It's another Youtube party thing. They have them relatively frequently. I guess to just get us drunk and keep us happy and hope we don't notice how much they've screwed up the past few months.' He stood, wiping the grass from him. 'I'll catch you later, yeah? I'll ask Phil about it. He may have just forgot.'

'You don't have to,' I said, but Dan waved his hand.

'I might as well. He's probably forgotten it's even on, to be honest.' He pocketed his phone, taking both our empty drink cups. He offered me a smile before he walked off. 'I'll catch you seen though, yeah?'

'Yeah.'

He gave me a nod and then turned, walking off into the day.