Twitter ∞ Dan Howell

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Okay. You can do this.

And I'd been telling myself this for the past four years. You can do this. Like it would make me feel any better. Like it would suck out the anxiety throbbing somewhere in my stomach.

I thought about how far I had come. How much I had changed. I could hardly remember what it was like two years ago, back in Adelaide. I missed it, sometimes, but it was better here. I had more friends here. I had Dan.

This morning we'd sat huddled at the table, watching the wintry day come. Light kissed the tops of buildings, sliding over our faces. His arm around me. Absolute silence. Fog crawling up over the glass. You'll be brilliant, my love, he said as he kissed my head softly.

I smiled as the rustle of first pages turning begun.

I practically ran up the stairs to our apartment. Total, blinding euphoria flushed over me with each step. No more exams. Ever. It was a strange feeling. I was happy, but almost a little sad. There was something so sheltering about university. Now it was up to me to find a real job - and that was, to say the least, terrifying.

The door was unlocked and Dan was inside, curled up at the couch. He looked up as I bounded in, smile growing with mine. He pushed his laptop off his lap and stood. We were a few metres away. The bright yellow socks I got him stuck out beneath his jeans. 'So, I'm guessing you aced it?'

'I was totally brilliant,' I gushed, my words spiling into a giggle. I ran over to him, and he gave me a big hug, spinning me around. His breath was warm against my neck.

'I knew it, I knew it, I knew it,' he said, grinning, kissing me all over. I was still giggling. He pulled back, hands resting on my waist. His cheeks stretched out from his smile, eyes half-closed. 'See? You should have believed me when I said you'd be amazing.'

I rolled my eyes as we broke away. 'That's a lot easier to believe with hindsight,' I said, and we collapsed onto the couch.

'Was that weird question about pillars and room angles on the exam? The one we went over last night?'

I nodded. 'Mn-hm. Thank fuck. We practiced that so much I was going to stab my pen through my exam paper if it wasn't on there.'

'Violent much.'

'Stress does tend to induce violence in me,' I said, leaning back into the couch. I pointed to my eyes, and then him. 'So you better watch your back, Howell.'

He leant back with me, pinching my arm with his hand and wiggling it around. 'What, you're going to pummel me to death with your spaghetti arms?'

'They're not spaghetti arms,' I said defensively, lifting them up and tensing them. A watery sac of muscle popped with the movement. We both laughed. 'Okay, maybe they are. But it's only to make you feel better about your spaghetti arms.'

Dan rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. 'Oh, of course.'

I let my head fall back, sinking into the upholstery. I was so tired. So tired. My eyelids felt weighed down with concrete, my arms and legs full of lead. A soft exhale sifted through me. The thought of sleep was so tempting right now.

'You still okay for tonight, Miss Meggy?' Dan asked, nudging me in the side with his elbow. I nodded, not saying anything. My eyes were closed. He reached over and tugged one open with his thumb. He looked concerned. 'You sure?'

'Mn,' I said, yawning. I stretched my arms over my head, feeling my spine uncurl, clicking with the movement. 'Yeah. I'm okay. Just worn out. Mentally and emotionally.'