can i, baby? | zdj & cvm | completed

xi

"for god's sake, rose. you're being delusional." zabdiel yelled.

"stop yelling, zabdiel." i cried out. "the whole damn castle can hear us."

"no! you think that anyone that comes near me is flirting with me and wants to get in my pants. are you seriously that insecure?"

his words hit me like a brick. actually, a brick to the face would've hurt less. he hit a nerve there, he knows that i do have self esteem issues ever since we were friends. he used my weakness against me.

this must not be making much sense for you. let me catch you up on what has happened in the past few hours;

after having a lovely time with lily and her mother i went back to the castle, hoping zabdiel wasn't nearby to follow me.

as if he had sensed that i needed him, sebastian arrived at the castle shortly after i did. my best friend held me, trying to convince me that whatever is happening between me and zabdiel we will get over it. he probably doesn't even think so. he just wants me to feel better.

what is even happening between zabdiel and i? well he's mad at me for avoiding him, and i'm mad at him because i'm overreacting. i know that i should've talked to him before i assumed anything, but i love jumping to conclusions and being stubborn as hell. i'm way in too deep to admit that i'm wrong.

"babe, just talk to the poor guy. knowing him, he's beating himself over the fact that you're mad at him and he has no idea why." sebastian tries to reason with me.

"i can't just talk to him! he's going to laugh at me for being such a drama queen."

i've lost count of how many times sebastian has facepalmed ever since this conversation started, but this one definitely counts for twenty.

mother doesn't bother me and sebastian's best friend time thank god. she's dying to know what's got me so upset, and i know that she knows i wasn't actually ill two days ago. any other time she would've barged right into my room, claiming that i'm being immature and that i should grow up or else i will die alone. she's not wrong, i do act immature at times. but like i said, i'm too stubborn to admit it.

a couple hours later of my whining, a maid tells us that zabdiel is waiting for me downstairs. i am tempted to tell her to make up an excuse so i don't have to see him. the look sebastian gives me makes me instantly dismiss the thought.

sebastian basically pushes me out of my room so that i go talk to zabdiel. as i approach the stairs i think about throwing myself down the stairs, maybe i could do enough damage to get amnesia. but sebastian seems to be reading my thoughts, i can feel his glare burning my back so i quickly walk downstairs.

when i get to the living room zabdiel is pacing around the room, he seems nervous.

i motion him to follow me to the library, so no one butts in the fight i can already feel coming. i know that we're going to make up by the time we finish talking so i'm not too worried for that. once we reach the library, i close the doors and rest against them. zabdiel just walks in circles around the room, much like he was doing in the living room.

"i'm sorry." i'm the first to speak, and i surprise both of us with my words. "you know that i suck at expressing how i'm feeling with words, and that i almost never apologize. i'm sorry for just cutting you off for three days without saying anything. and i'm sorry for overreacting over the littlest details."

he's not looking at me, which makes me feel uneasy. i don't know what he's thinking, but he's probably confused as hell. when he doesn't say anything i continue my little speech.

"i've been avoiding you because i saw you with princess anne at the ball." i mumbled embarrassed, but still loud enough for him to hear. i frown when he still doesn't answer me. i walk up to him, he suddenly turns around just as i was about to reach for him. the sudden movement made me take a step back as a reflex.

"you're saying that i spent all day yesterday worrying about you, about us, when you were avoiding me because you saw me with a girl?"

i'm not liking his calm tone. i know that he's anything but calm, so this makes me worry about his next reaction.

he scoffs. "you're saying that i spent the whole day looking for and thinking about you, while you were off having fun with sebastian avoiding me?"

he's about to explode. i can feel it.

"zabdiel, babe, look i know i had no right to just avoid you like that but i wasn't thinking straight i just wanted to get rid of any thoughts about you and her. she took you from me once, how can i be sure that she won't do it again? i–" i cut myself off as i realize something. "did you just say you spent yesterday looking for me?"

he nodded, "but why are you bringing that–"

"then why did you say earlier at the village that you were looking for me the day before?"

his face goes pale and i can't read the expression on his face. he's coming up with a way to cover his slip up. "i did look for you both days, i just... didn't try as hard as yesterday?" he says, but it sounds like a question at the end.

now it's my time to be mad at him, "i can't believe you're lying to me. what were you really doing that day?"

"before you get mad, i knew you would react like this so i thought it wouldn't be important to mention it."

"just answer the damn question, zabdiel."

"i was with anne. she stayed at my castle after the ball and then we spend the next day together."

i gathered all my strength to not strangle him right then and there. "you didn't think that it was important to mention that the–" i pause for a second. "that anne had stayed with you? not only that, but you also lied about what you did that day."

he looked at me like i had grown a second head when i start laughing at myself. "you actually had the decency to get pissed at me dancing with sebastian, who is my best friend since we were basically in diapers, but you just got mad at me for being jealous over fucking anne? she was literally all over you!"

and that's how we ended up here.

"for god's sake, rose. you're being delusional." zabdiel yelled and i winced. if he got any louder sebastian would for sure come to stop us.

"stop yelling, zabdiel." i cried out. "the whole damn castle can hear us." we had been talking like normal people up until now, why is he yelling now?

"no! anne and i are just friends. you think that anyone that comes near me is flirting with me and wants to get in my pants. are you seriously that insecure?"

i blink away the tears that threaten to spill from my eyes. "maybe i am. maybe i look at her soft dirty blonde hair and her tiny waist and her delicate figure and her green eyes and wonder why the hell are you still with me. maybe i'm scared of losing you to her again. maybe i am that insecure, but you wouldn't know about that. you have girls left and right throwing themselves at you and feeding your ego all the time so you don't have enough time to sit alone in your room looking for all your flaws until you fucking loathe yourself. and you know what? maybe i am overreacting. maybe i have nothing to worry about. but almost eight years of hating everything i see when i look in the mirror makes me pretty damn insecure when it comes to the one i love."

zabdiel looks at me with the same pity that i don't want, neither from him nor anyone else. he steps closer to me, but i back away. "don't touch me." i turn away from him and run out of the room. sebastian is waiting for me outside, but i just mumble a simple not now before going to my room, where i wished i could just sleep forever.