can i, baby? | zdj & cvm | completed

xxiii

"christopher, my love, it's no—"

"it's not what it looks like?" he finished for me.

his tone broke me, the sadness in his eyes made my own begin to water. "i'm sorry." i whispered. "i swear, i didn't mean it like—"

"if you love him so much, then why aren't you marrying him instead?"

i sniffed. "babe, you kno—"

"just stop trying to come up with lame excuses!" he exclaimed loudly, startling me. "i dropped everything for you, i thought you weren't well, but look what i find instead. i'm done."

i was getting angry. he was cutting me off every time i tried to speak, he wasn't letting me explain, and he just gave up easily.

"man, she literally just friendzoned me because she loves you." zabdiel said. i was surprised he was trying to help me, i thought he would be happy that christopher wants to leave me.

but christopher didn't seem to be hearing him either. he rolled his eyes, "who are you to talk? all you've done is hurt her, but she still loves you and follows you around like a damn lost puppy. you don't deserve her love." his voice sounded broken, the last thing i wanted to hear.

"don't you think i know that already?" zabdiel stood up, leaving me in my bed to watch their short quarrel. "but i don't care. i love her and i will fight for her."

"fight for what? her love? it's up to her who she wants to be with, not us." he turned to me, "so who's it going to be?" he glared at zabdiel before storming out of my room.

i didn't realize i was holding my breath until christopher left. i pulled my knees up to my chest. this is exactly what i didn't want to be encountered with, choosing between zabdiel and christopher. i hated to admit it, but christopher was partly right. i still loved zabdiel, i wanted to be with him, but he did hurt me. he didn't hurt you last time my mind emocked me. i know that already, but he sort of lied. that still hurt.

trust is something you gain slowly yet lose quickly. actions may speak louder than words, but sometimes words can hurt a thousand times more than actions. a lie, doesn't matter how big or how small, can break the trust someone has put on you in a matter of moments.

i acted by impulse when i said yes to christopher's proposal. i was vulnerable, so i took shelter with the first person that i came across with. if i had the chance to take it back, i wouldn't. sure, i may now be confused between who i love, but the moments i had with christopher were marvelous and i wish i could relive those moments.

what i had with zabdiel couldn't be compared to what i had with christopher. with zabdiel it was like the universe was against us, there was always something that kept us from being happy together. but with christopher everything was fine, no one could even dare come between us, nothing bad ever happened to us.

i had forgotten i wasn't alone in the room until zabdiel pulled me into his arms. i closed my eyes, i always felt safe when he held me. there was something about him that helped me calm down when i was in his arms.

"don't cry, my rose." he mumbled as he wiped my cheeks. "forget about him. i'm right here, baby."

i frowned, i didn't want to forget about him. i loved christopher. do i love zabdiel? i didn't know how to respond to my own question.

zabdiel kept whispering sweet nothings in my ear, but i couldn't bring myself to listen to him. my mind was preoccupied for christopher. he must think that i regret making love to him, that i've been lying to him this whole time.

"i have to find him." i whispered so quietly i wasn't even sure i said it out loud. i tried to get up, but zabdiel held me down.

"where are you going?"

i tried to get up again, but i failed to. "i have to talk to him!" i cried out.

"i don't think you—"

"fuck what you think. fuck what everyone thinks." i groaned. i dropped my head in my hands.

he kissed my forehead. "calm down. get some rest."

i laid down on my bed moments later. not because he told me to, but because i was feeling tired. not a sleep tired, just tired of everything that was happening.

♡

short chapter, but hopefully i'll update tomorrow again!
i'll see the guys in four weeks and i'm really excited. hopefully this gives me some creativity to update more often. i'm so sorry for not updating every week like i promised, i've been pretty busy sleeping till noon this summer. BUT i will try to get off my ass :)
don't know if you guys noticed but i changed this story from a zabdiel fic to a zabdiel and chris fic. this is because i realized i've lowkey made rose have feelings for christopher, which wasn't my original intention, but i will work around with that. another reason is because i have no idea how to end this book yet, i don't know if i'll make rose end up with zabdiel or christopher.
remember to keep commenting and voting! i always love reading your comments.