can i, baby? | zdj & cvm | completed

xviii

i leaned my head back against the wall and close my eyes as i trace my lips, missing the tingly feeling i got when zabdiel kissed me earlier.

this was so wrong.

"princess rose?" i heard a feminine voice.

is that...

"what are you doing here, princess? i thought you would be celebrating with your fiancé."

it fucking is.

i lifted my head and turned to the source of the voice. "princess anne, it's a pleasure to finally see you again." i gave her a fake smile.

she smiled back. "pleasure is all mine, your majesty."

again, is she really this nice? if she is, it will be hard to hate her. maybe i could hate her for being too nice.

"if you don't mind me asking, is everything alright? you seem like there is something bothering you."

i furrow my eyebrows, "i'm perfectly fine." i walked away before i felt tears brimming on my eyes.

i walked up to christopher, pulling him down so he could hear me. "can we go outside for a moment?"

christopher nodded, putting his cup down before grabbing my hand and pulling me to the garden. we sat down at the bottom of the stairs, his hands never letting go of mine.

"what's wrong, baby?" he asked softly.

"nothing, i just..." i sighed. "just hold me."

he examined my face for a moment, but then he wrapped his arms around me. he is too sweet, it makes me feel guilty for having second thoughts about us.

i contemplated for a while telling him about the kiss. technically, zabdiel kissed me first so there was no cheating. but you kissed him back. while it may be true, what he doesn't know won't kill him. i do have to tell him before zabdiel has the chance to and feeds him with lies.

i stood up abruptly, startling christopher. "i have to tell you something."

he nodded, "what is it?"

i bit my lip nervously. "well, uh–"

"my darlings, i've been looking all over for you." my mother's voice is heard.

i put my hands over my face, she has the worst timing ever. "yes, mother?"

"it's almost time for christopher to ask for your hand."

"we will be there in a moment, mother." i groaned, just what i fucking needed.

he stood up and took my hands in his, kissing them delicately. "the frustration is radiating off of you, my princess." he chuckled. "don't worry, i'll be all yours after this. i promise."

~ ♡ ~

i looked around the ballroom, memories from my birthday flooding in. it was zabdiel who was down on one knee, slipping a ring on my finger. it was him who said wonderful things about me.

sebastian broke me out of my thoughts. he wiped my cheeks with his thumbs, "this isn't a funeral, babe, smile a little."

"it might as well be my freedom's funeral."

"well you're not wrong." he grinned, but shook his head. "but seriously, you know how people are. someone even said they saw you walking out of a bathroom with zabdiel, can you believe that? they're probably mad that they won't be invited to the wedding so they're making up things."

i know that he was still talking, but i stopped hearing after he said that someone saw me with zabdiel. how could i be so fucking stupid? i have to talk to christopher.

what am i even going to say? hey love, i may have kissed zabdiel in the bathroom, and i may still love him, maybe even more than i love you, if i even do love you at all, no biggie!

"i'm going inside, you should get going too. your mother seems pretty pissed that you keep avoiding her." sebastian finally said. i nodded as he turned away to go back inside.

it was getting cold, but at least i could avoid reality for a little longer. i heard footsteps behind me, but i didn't need to look back to know who it was. i turned around and placed my hands on the back of his neck. he seemed surprised, but reacted quicker than i expected. in less than a second he had pulled me closer by my hips and i had pressed my lips against his. he guided me to rest my back against the wall as his hands explored my body the best it could with my dress on. i felt his smile as he kissed me, and it almost felt like i was doing the right thing. but then i knew that i had to end this.

"zabdiel," i murmured. "i have to go."

he didn't reply, instead he attacked my neck with his kisses.

i tried to speak again, but a small moan escaped my lips instead. this seemed to encourage him, i felt his hands on the back of my dress.

"zabdiel, i'm serious." i bit my lip.

he stopped and looked into my eyes. "if you keep biting your lip like that, i won't have control of my actions."

"i– uh– i have to go."

i saw his eyes darken as he furrowed his eyebrows. "why did you kiss me? you're going to walk in there like nothing happened and you will get engaged to christopher." with a scoff, he let go of me and turned his back to me.

i wanted to ask him to hold me again, to kiss me again, but he was right.

but i'm afraid. afraid of getting hurt again, afraid of hurting others. what if i hurt christopher to be with zabdiel, only to have him hurt me? i have a decision to make. i can't keep doing this to christopher. he deserves much better.