can i, baby? | zdj & cvm | completed

xxxvi

sorrow.

if anyone asked me to describe how i felt, that was all i would say.

as the months passed i became more aware that i had killed the baby that i was carrying inside me. i realized that i wouldn't feel one day my baby's kicks like alexander's wife would tell me.

"it was an accident." everyone would say. but i could've prevented that accident, i know that i could've.

zabdiel's eyes never left mine the moment he had stepped into his room. i heard that his father had died not long after his mother. i was traveling when it happened so i couldn't attend the funeral. sebastian was there, he told me it was more private. only very close friends and family were notified of the funeral.

i tried to see zabdiel afterwards, but he became too busy. today was the first time i was seeing him since then, at his coronation ball.

he had asked me to come during the day, that i could get ready there. he kept insisting, but i would've said yes even if he had only asked once.

i was sitting down on his bed. he said he would be busy for an hour and then he would dedicate his time to me. when i was alone, i couldn't help but repeat the day that it happened.

i could almost feel the pain again, the fear i felt when i saw my dress covered in blood.

i closed my eyes again, tears would start spilling from my eyes again if i didn't take my mind off it.

"what's wrong?"

his voice was soft, as if he was afraid to break me if he spoke too loud. i shook my head. i felt his eyes still on me. i opened my eyes to find him way closer than i expected. he had kneeled down in front of me. he hesitated for a moment before placing his hands on my knees.

"you know you can talk to me, right?"

i pressed my lips together. "i know." i whispered.

he slid between my legs to wrap his arms around my waist and hug me. i placed my arms around his shoulders, one hand lazily playing with his hair.

"it's my fault." i murmured, hoping he wouldn't hear me.

he raised his eyebrows and looked up at me. "is this about the baby?" when i didn't respond, he rested his hand on my cheek. "co— rose." he cleared his throat. "everything happens for a reason. maybe you weren't meant to be a mother just yet. but listen," he stopped and i could swear that i felt his arm tighten the slightest around me. "when you get married, you'll be able to have as many kids as you want. two, five, ten? hell, have twenty kids while you're at it."

i giggled. "i am definitely not having twenty kids." i turned my head to kiss his hand. "i just had gotten used to the idea of being a mother already."

"your wedding is only two months away." he smiled at me, but anyone could see that it was a fake smile.

i looked down. "i know."

i'm not going to say that i've been having second thoughts about marrying christopher...

but i am definitely having second thoughts about marrying christopher.

i looked up and grinned. "but hey, let's do something before we have to get ready."

he rolled his eyes. "you're the one that needs a century to get ready."

"you say that like you don't spend at least an hour on your hair only to end up wearing your natural curls." i raised an eyebrow.

he laughed. "touché."

we didn't do much, we sat down in the gardens to talk about everything and nothing. well, he spoke while i listened to every word he had to say. i wasn't in the mood to talk.

"i wish this wasn't a tradition." he said as i held his hand. "i wish i could just be coronated and get this done and over with, i'm in no mood of being social or pretend to like all this people. i just lost my parents, for god's sake." when he looked at me i noticed his eyes were glossy. i was concerned about him, i knew that he had been putting up this act of being strong for me, but i didn't want him to. if he was sad, i wanted to be a shoulder he could cry on. he didn't have to bottle everything up just because i was upset as well.

sebastian had told me that there was a young woman with zabdiel at his father's funeral. chocolate curls, pale skin, simple clothes. the description was the same as the girl i saw at his mother's funeral. rumours said that woman was living in the castle with zabdiel, but i had not seen her all day.

"i'm going to let you get ready now." he smiled and kissed my temple.

he left me in the room with one of his servants to help me get dressed.

she adjusted my corset tightly, i swore that the air left my lungs and had no space to come back in.

a knock was heard at the door, the woman opened it since i was still not dressed. the girl sebastian told me about walked into the room. she offered me a warm smile.

"you must be princess rose of weighton." her smile was much like zabdiel's. but why? "i'm vianney."

i nodded. "it's nice to meet you."

"you as well!"

there was something about her, she seemed so happy and excited. her smile was so bright, it made me smile.

"i think zabdiel hasn't told you anything about me." she giggled. "judging by the surprise on your face."

"no, he hasn't. but i've seen you around."

her smile dropped for a second, but she quickly covered it up. "do you need help with your dress?" she asked.

i smiled as she grabbed the dress. the maid had finished with my corset and petticoat so i turned to her.

"vianney, is it?" i said and she nodded. "what's your relationship with zabdiel?"

she grinned. "i think he should be the one to tell you." she slipped the dress over my head and smoothed it out. the smile didn't leave her face, not even for a moment, her happiness was almost contagious.

minutes later she left my room, telling me she had to go get dressed. i offered her my help, but she said she could manage.

i walked out to find zabdiel right outside the door. he smiled. "i was just about to knock."

we laughed. he held his hand out. i took it and he placed my hand on his arm, linking them. he walked me to the ballroom where all eyes were on us.

♡

hey EVERYONE
so i start school next week (let's all pray for me) and since this is my senior year i'll be very busy with schoolwork, i apologize in advance because i won't be able to update as often as i've been updating these past weeks.
lol zabdiel saying touché is so ironic because the name of his kingdom (lieusaint) is french.
SO i've been thinking of doing a q&a, like you guys could leave questions for each character or for me and i would respond to them! what do you guys think? i've seen many authors do this and it would be pretty cool.
i love you all, thank you for reading and don't forget to vote and comment.