Forgiveness - KnB (ON-HOLD)

Chapter 10.2 - You don't deserve luck anymore

Hey. This chapter contains a lot of feels, I just wanted to warn you in advance.
Listen to the soundtrack I put above if you want to get completely destroyed by the feels.

"That sounds much better. I'm fine too. Satsuki actually told me to call you and wouldn't leave me alone, so yeah. I'm hanging up now", was the grumpy answer Ai received from her lover before she heard beeping that signalized he had hung up.

She sighed and turned around to knock on the door to go back inside because she wasn't in the mood to train anymore, but she winced when she saw the now wide opened door and Midorima and Takao standing there with stern looks.

"Ah, good evening, Haru-chan!", Takao said as a nervous grin graced his lips and he glanced over at his teammate who looked really angry. "Hey, guys... What are you doing?", Ai replied with a forced smile and it slowly faded when she didn't get an answer.

'Did they hear everything...?', she thought tensely, hoping that this wasn't the case.

Midorima took a few steps towards Ai and
held out his bandaged hand as if to expect something. He indeed did expect something. But it was something entirely different than what Ai had expected first.

"We happened to hear your conversation with Aomine. You two seem to be really close, nanodayo", the Megane stated bluntly and made Ai look down to the ground in despair. She knew that she was going to lose another one of her precious friends she had just reunited with and she was scared, but kind of prepared since she was used to be left alone.

But things didn't go as she expected them to. She expected Midorima to leave without saying anything because he was never someone to talk much, but he too was going to scold and degrade her with harsh words like Kagami did, of course. Her heart ached in fear.

"Tarō-kun, I-", she started as she looked up to look at him with pleading eyes, but she was stopped as said male held up his hand to stop her from saying anything else. "He won't be pleased to know that you call other guys by their first names", he said with disgust laced in his voice. He took a deep breath and adjusted his glasses to continue his sentence, "I must say that I am really disappointed in you."

Disappointment.
Ai was a disappointment to everyone she knew.

The next thing Ai realized that her hand was grabbed rather roughly and the bracelet Midorima had given her was yanked off from her thin and pale wrist. "I didn't know that you were capable of doing something like that. You don't deserve luck anymore if you ended up with someone like Aomine. It's a waste of a lucky item if the owner doesn't deserve to be lucky. You are hopeless, nanodayo."

Hopeless.
There was no hope left for Ai anymore. It was like everyone was watching her drown instead of helping her.
There wasn't anyone who wanted to save her because there wasn't anyone who wanted her to live in the first place.

Why didn't they just ask her to die? That would just confirm that everyone hated her and she would do everyone the favour and disappear from this cruel world. A lot of thoughts flew across Ai's mind, thoughts she actually didn't ever want to think about again in her life. She had sworn to herself that she would never think of killing herself again, but she seemed to have reached her limit.

What if Ai wouldn't have been born?
Her mother would have lived happily with her father. She wouldn't have died and he wouldn't have left her and went to America.
Ai just realized it in that moment.
Everything was her fault. Not only the arguments with her friends, but also the separation of the once happy family. None of these would have happened if her mother would have just put her on abortion back then.

The girl's heart throbbed painfully and she gripped onto the area of the organ through the thin shirt she was wearing. She couldn't do this anymore. She couldn't listen to more of his insults because she was about to break down in front of the two boys, which she didn't want.

The ravenette took a deep breath with her hand still gripping onto her chest and forced a small smile on her lips like she used to. "I-I see... I'm sorry to be a disappointment to everyone. Sucks to be me...", she said hoarsely with a bitter chuckle and turned around to go to the beach after exchanging eye contact with Midorima for a last time.

"Shin-chan... Don't you think that you overdid-", Takao asked carefully but was immediately silenced by a furious glare from his green haired teammate. He had never seen the Tsundere this angry.

Ai let herself fall on her knees and felt the sand on her bare skin. She gripped onto the coarse fabric of her shorts and bit her bottom lip to prevent loud sobs and screams from coming out while tears streamed down her pale face.

She was suffering so much and no one noticed it. No one noticed that the darkness that surrounded her got bigger by each insult that was thrown at her and continued to consume her soul. No one heard the silent cracks of her heart that continued to shatter into many pieces because no one was there to heal it.

That pain made her feel dead.
That feeling was familiar to her because it was the same she had felt not so long ago.

The reason why she had cut herself during that time was that she wanted to prove her liveliness by feeling other pain than the one of loneliness and betrayal. The pain she had felt whenever she added new, fresh cuts on her body was nothing compared to the other pain she felt, but that pain had made her forget about all of her problems for at least a short time. 

Ai loosened the grip on her clothes and raised her arms to inspect the scars on her wrists. They made her feel insecure, weak and disgusted. She felt a huge amount of self-hate again after such a long time.

Why would anyone want someone like her?
Who would want a girl who looked so ugly like her and had a character like trash?

"I won't ever do that again...", Ai murmured as she traced her fingers across her damaged skin.

"The easiest way to get rid of all my pain and problems is to kill myself... That's actually a much greater idea..."

-

Sorry for the cliffhanger ;) but I'll post the next chapter next week anyway, so...

By the way, if anyone thinks that scars are ugly, they definitely aren't. Don't be ashamed of them, be proud that you were strong enough to win the fight. Love yourself, even with the flaws you have. Everyone has them. ❤