Unsaid

Numb

I hear the rhythmic pounding of my heart echoing through my mind. In this moment I can't be sure if I'm just breathing or just drowning in the stream of tears running down my face.
Part of me knew that this was coming.
I noticed that you stopped laughing as much.
That you're responses grew shorter and shorter.
That you stopped flirting, stopped making me smile.
That you wouldn't even show me your face.
But I chose to believe that my worries were all in my head. That everything was fine and that I was over reacting. That I needed to give you space and not pressure you.
Until you asked to talk.
It was then I knew that things were ending.
It was deja vu to what I had gone through eight months ago.
You said you were sorry.
I said it was okay.
And the second I hung up, the tears began pouring out.
Everything went numb.
.
when my heart was chewed up and spit up, you were the one who was there for me. you were the one who listened to my anger and my sadness and my regrets. you became my life preserver in the stormy sea and my ray of sunshine in the dark skies. i trusted you to protect me and be there for me and you were. before i knew it I had fallen for you harder than I thought possible. being with you felt right. it felt safe. until I noticed the clouds returning to the sky and the thunder rumbling off in the distance. I thought the storms would pass. but the rain hit and the wind blew and without my life preserver, without you, I found myself drowning as the waves hit me over and over again. I can't breathe in the deep, icy water. I can't see the sun. I can't even feel my own body. my own mind.
I'm numb.
.
I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go from here. I don't know what to say or how to act or if I should pretend like everything is fine. Because you've been there when others haven't. But now that you're gone, the only thing left to do is start swimming.