Unsaid

Seven

it was seven in the morning.
you held me close to your chest, our inhales and exhales in perfect unison.
your arms held me tight, keeping me secure and warm.
there was a slight smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.
never did I think I would be here.
you made me feel safe, secure.
I felt like I could trust you.
which is why I didn't saying anything at first.
didn't say anything as your hand slipped underneath my sweatshirt and played with the lace on my bra.
didn't say anything as you traced long, steady lines down my figure.
didn't say anything as I heard your breathing start to quicken in my ear.
I counted your breaths.
one
two
three
four
five
six
seven.
I noticed your hand making odd movements at the waistline of my leggings.
at first, I was confused.
I wasn't sure what you were doing.
It took me seven seconds to realize.
one
two
three
four
five
six
seven.
by the time I understood, your fingers had already worked their way into my underwear.
my entire body froze.
I wanted to say something.
I needed to say something.
but my whole body was frozen.
I couldn't speak.
I couldn't move.
my breath was caught in my chest and my heart pounded louder and louder.
I figured you must be able to hear it too, every thunderous beat.
one
two
three
four
five
six
seven.
if you heard it, you didn't respond.
you kept to what you were doing, oblivious to my body shutting down right in front of you.
the shutters of the basement window were open, spilling in the light of dawn.
I just kept staring at the shutters.
it was easier to focus on the shutters instead of your hand between my legs.
I didn't want that hand there.
I stared at the shutters and counted every time I blinked.
one
two
three
four
five
six
seven.
by the time I reached seven, your other hand was working to pull down my pants.
finally, my body reacted and I pushed away your hand and pulled my clothes back up.
despite my physical response, all words were still caught in my throat.

"am I making you uncomfortable?"

"I don't know."

I think of all the different ways I should've responded to that question.
there's so many.
one
two
three
four
five
six
seven.
you apologized.
you took your hand away.
you distanced yourself.
and you went back to sleep.
I stared at the shutters, counting the individual panels.
one
two
three
four
five
six
seven.
at some point, my counting sent me to sleep.
when I woke up, you weren't there.
i was alone.
i was laying on a couch in a dark basement in a house I didn't know because you told me to come here.
to celebrate.
to "step out of my comfort zone."
I guess you had wanted to help.
I googled sexual assault.
I googled consent.
there's so many different legal definitions.
one
two
three
four
five
six
seven.
but I shook my head and turned off my phone.
I am being dramatic.
I'm fine.
nothing really happened.
it couldn't have lasted any longer than seven minutes.
I chose to go to that party.
I chose to lay with you.
I chose to trust you.
I chose to stay silent.
but I didn't.
even in silence, I was screaming.
now, my head is filled with a disarray of scattered thoughts.
the boiling shower water won't make me feel clean.
and I count the seconds in sevens until I can breath again.
one
two
three
four
five
six
seven.
one
two
three
four
five
six
seven.
one
two
three
four
five
six
seven.