All The Queen's Horses {Myrnin, Morganville Vampires}

I Can't Do This

Chapter 48 – I Can't Do This

The atmosphere was chaotic. I had finished feeding, but was still very weak. I hadn't bothered to get off of the floor. Abby sat next to me. She kept an arm loosely around my shoulder, in case I fell over. I wasn't entirely sure I wouldn't.

Myrnin and Trystan stood across the room. They were actively engaged in a conversation with three other vampires. I looked at the strong lines of his profile. I loved him more than life itself. Amelie's powers had quieted down. I was in my right mind again. But I still maintained the mental block. He couldn't see my emotions. Not right now. Not when all I felt was – guilt.

Activity to my right caught my attention. I looked to find Gwion finishing his third human. He had needed much more blood than I had, to recover. He started to get up. The vampires all around him reached to assist, but he shrugged them off. He settled himself back on the green velvet couch we had shared only moments before. He looked rough and his movements were still noticeably impeded, but I was deeply thankful to see him functioning. I knew he felt like shit. Because I felt the same way. The aftereffect of the drug felt like a grueling hangover. And he had taken three hits.

Gwion looked up at me. His unfathomable gaze spoke a thousand words, and asked a thousand more questions. The last fifteen minutes replayed in my mind as I stared into his dark liquid eyes. I didn't have any answers for him.

I flushed and looked away – only to find Myrnin watching me. The expression of pain in his eyes was enough to kill me. He hadn't missed the intensity of the look between Gwion and me. He knew something had happened. He just didn't know what. And I wasn't sure if I could survive telling him, knowing how much it would hurt him. As much as he wanted to believe he wouldn't blame me, I wondered if he would feel resentment instead. He deserved better than this. He deserved better than me.

Without a word, Myrnin crossed the room and gathered me into his arms. He kept me cradled against his chest and walked out the door. Trystan and Abigail followed closely behind as we made our way back to the vehicle. Myrnin climbed in the back seat with me, but rather than remain against his chest, I slid over into the seat next to him. A muscle in his jaw clenched, but he let me go. No one spoke while Trystan drove us back to the hotel.

By the time we entered the room, I had made my decision.

"I can't do this," I whispered, barely able to get the words past the lump in my throat. I thought my chest might explode, as pain consumed me.

"What exactly can't you do?" Myrnin asked. His tone was deadly quiet.

"Us," I answered brokenly.

"What happened?" He asked grimly.

I told him.

I didn't leave anything out.

And as expected, the look of pain that crossed his face was enough to feel like a kick in the stomach, It took my breath away. He was silent for a long moment and then began, "I told you..."

I cut him off. I knew what he was going to say. He was going to tell me that he didn't blame me. And maybe he wouldn't, but I couldn't continue to do this to him.

"This isn't about you..." I started.

Fury rolled over his features as he spat, "How the fuck is this not about me? You are telling me that you don't want me, so I would say I am very much involved."

Tears rolled down my cheeks. I briskly swiped them away. I couldn't cry right now. If I gave in to my own pain, I wouldn't be strong enough to finish this. "This is not the person I want to be," I tried to explain.