One Shots

A Poem

I have officially lived another year on this earth. This year was supposed to be the year I claimed my freedom, but I'm beginning to wonder if freedom is a myth after all, because I feel more tied down than ever. I wrote this poem as a reflection of my life, and I felt like sharing it. I hope that some of you can relate.

Eight years old
I learned that not everyone's parents loved them
I watched the little girl I called my friend sit amongst the ruins of her alcoholic mother
Eight years old was when I realized the world was so much bigger than myself
The year I began to sacrifice myself
The year I donned the shackles tying my emotions to the whims of others
The year I learned friendship meant giving up you own happiness for the sake of someone else

Nine years old
And I spent every recess wishing I could wake up in another girl's body
Nine years old
When I learned that I was different from them
When I showed interest in things that were different from them
Exotic sports I was not meant to know about
When I began to wonder how all the other girls got boyfriends
Nine years old
And I kissed another girl

Ten years old
Ten years old and I was bullied to the point of tears
I began to see every hair on my body as a disease
Ten years old
And I started hiding myself in baggy hoodies

Thirteen years old
When I first witnessed mental illness
When I learned to keep quiet about the scars I saw at cheer practice
Because she told me she was fine
I thought she was fine
Thirteen years old
And fine meant having lots of friends
Fine meant stealing kisses from boys
Fine meant doing well in class and having parents smiling at you on stage
Thirteen years old
When I learned how to hide the pain
When I began to worry
That every moment she was away she could be dying
Thirteen years old
And I started to think things were my fault
But I learned that not bringing it up
Kept them around me
Thirteen years old
And I knew I was their personal medication
My childish humor and illogical banter was a crutch to hold them up
Thirteen years old
And I knew I was not their equal

Fourteen years old
When I watched my friend absorb fake happiness from greasy men
I learned that self harm
Was for attention
It acted like the alarm proceeding a storm
The alarm we all ignored
Fourteen years old
And I saw escapism as a healing agent
When I saw her leave me
In order to get better

Fifteen years old
And I was afraid of being alone
I pulled friends closer
So close I began to suffocate under the pressure
I struggled to sleep
I had made myself into a carrier pigeon
Playing middle ground
They trampled over me like herding elephants
Fifteen years old
And I just wanted to feel loved
Fifteen years old
And I thought love was something someone gave you
The concept of being showered in love
Love was given and received
Not shared
When I was fifteen
Love was something I destroyed
I played as a knight
Cutting off the cruelties of true emotion
To better serve the crumbling castle walls I'd built around me
Fifteen years old
My heart had locked itself away
Believing that I was unworthy
Fifteen years old
And I pretended to be someone I was not
Just to watch them smile and grow on the screen propped up on my pillow in the dark of my bedroom in the earliest hours of the morning
I thought that their happiness
Could become my own

Sixteen years old
And I had been told that I was "not" crazy more times than I could count on all of my fingers and toes
Sixteen years old
When I started making plans to live on my own
Sixteen years old
And I thought I knew what I was made for
I had dogs
Hungry for my flesh
At what I thought was my own beck and call
I knew how to escape
Sixteen years old
When the voices told me to escape

Seventeen years old
I'd grown complacent and depressed
Seventeen years old
When I started hearing their words
And hating them
When I realized that money ruled the minds of so many
Seventeen years old
And I was told that certain thing we're supposed to make me happy
My happiness had faded away
Being a child
Dreaming
Wasn't taken seriously anymore
Seventeen years old
And I was told to make choices
I was so afraid to make choices
Seventeen years old
But I was not ready to be apart of society
Seventeen years old
But I still couldn't tell people "no"

Eighteen
I turned eighteen today
And I'm beginning to see why I ended up this way