Adele Please I Need Your Help

Hoping You're Someone I Used To Know (17)

Jess's POV

The whole journey home was the weirdest comfortable quiet that I have ever experienced; the only noise in the car is the quiet singing of my daughter.  I could feel Chris silently stare at me the entire way home and I didn't know quite how to feel about it.

I've gotten over the stage where I'm angry that he left so suddenly. I've gotten over the stage where I'm upset that he left so suddenly. I've gotten over the stage where I'm hurt that he left so suddenly. I'm at the point where I know that I love him, but then again, I don't know if that's just because he's the father of my daughter. How do I know he still loves me, you can change so much in 3 and a half years and also with becoming a parent? How do I know I still love him, it has been 3 and a half years?

"Well, we're here..." I say in a sigh pulling the key out of the ignition of my car. I hear the passenger door of my car gently open and shut, then a backdoor, after that a mellow knock on my window. I can't avoid this now. I need to do whats right and not what is easy, so with that in mind get out of my car and lock it. Finally looking up to unlock the door, I see Chris holding our little girl, I think at that moment a piece of me came back. He just looks so happy holding her. For a split second I imagine us as family again. I think of a time where things weren't so complicated. Pushing past my thoughts, I stumble forward and unlock the door.

He carefully puts Vicky down and followers her and her littler steps all the way into the living room. Meanwhile, I stay back and make some coffee of myself and Chris obviously I'm just assuming he still likes his coffee the very particular way he had it 3 years ago. Really I just can't be bothered to ask. I just don't want to ask.

All of a sudden I hear the infectious giggles of my little girl, I just stand there listening to them, and I could for hours. Without a word I follow where they once had been to the bright, tidy living room and gave Chris his coffee. No words were exchanged besides a quiet but considerate "thank you". Minutes that seamed like hours passed as I sipped the dark beige liquid from my mug, he did too. He looked up and smiled, "you remembered", I just smiled back in response. My only indication of the time passed was the eventual absence of this liquid and a doorbell ringing.

Before I could even process that I should probably raise from my seat, a rather loud shout of "Nannie" echoed through my house, shortly followed by the same pitched "Grandad". Emerging from the door way, my child perched upon my Dad's shoulders, next to this tall tower was my mum.

"We will take her in the garden to play for a bit," Mum reassuringly said as she ushered everyone out of the room, leaving myself and Chris.

"Uhhhh sooo????" I begin not really wanting to sit in silence this entire time.

"Jess, I'm so glad you let me come round, how's life? Tell me how's your family? I haven't seen them in a while, some not even at all?" as he progressively spoke he got quieter and quieter.

"Umm my families been great, me not so much but never mind that, as long as my little pumpkin is okay that's all that matters. Works been going great, that with Vicky, I've been busy, you?

Chris's POV

You've been okay and busier than ever but your guard is up and I know why, the last time you heard from me is still repetitively playing in the back of your mind. You gave me the best thing I could ever wish for and I couldn't even come back to help.

My thought was broken by Jess clearing her throat.

"Oh yeah sorry. Ummmm, yeah works really good, don't really know how my parents are, I haven't exactly made time to see them yet, I haven't been back for terribly long," I finish, my heart racing, my hands shaking. I just don't want to do anything wrong and risk losing her again.

Being the person Jess is I knew she was going to ask a question next. "Ahhh, so they don't even know your me back???"

"No, but right now it's important for me to be here because I need to swallow my pride and just say I'm sorry for just leaving you like I did, I go back to April all the time. I know that I can't change it now but i would go back to April and turn it around and make it all right." Her face right now is really just expressionless, I don't really know how she's feeling. "But since I left I haven't really been sleeping, I stay up, and in my mind is just a play back myself leaving. I just keep thinking about how there must have been another way. I still regret when every time your birthday passed your and I didn't call. I just try think about the summer, all the beautiful times, especially that time I watched you laughing from the passenger side," a small smile made itself visible on my face recalling the amazing memories we have together.

"Mmmmhumm yeah... your sweet smile, I remember exactly how I felt when how you held me in your arms that January night in uni, it was the first time you ever saw me cry." she looked down at the ground once she had finished speaking.

"If I could I'd go back and change that April I left you and change it but I can't."

"That's absolutely correct Chris you can't," she whispered in an almost aggressive way, tears staining her cheek.

"I generally feel as if I left you like a one woman army fighting with the shadows in your head and living out the same old moment, thinking you'd be better off dead. I just want you to say how you feel as you know that in the end, it's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again; even if your hands are shaking and your faith is broken, please do it with a heart wide open." I finish, shaking, scared, petrified of the next words that's will leave her mouth. I shut my eyes and brought my head down to my hands so they covered my face, and hoped for the best.

To my surprise arms engulfed me, a breath was released I didn't even know I was holding. The words that left her mouth were the lest scary yet the scariest.

"I love you Chris, I just don't know if it is the same way as before," she cautiously mumbled. I knew exactly what she meant. I didn't quite know if my heart should be broken because I know that the love she has for me now is because I'm the father of her daughter, then again that means she doesn't know if she loves me for reasons other than that. "What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you? And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and trying to be okay around everyone else? I'm falling to pieces Chris. I don't know how much longer I can stay strong. You took your suitcase, I took the blame for everyone thinking that we broke up. Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains because you left me with little love and no honour to my name."

She had the most valid point ever.

I really just like, left her.

I bet you most nights she has been all laid up in bed with a broken heart, surrounded by wine bottles. While I was drinking 'Jack Daniels' all alone in the bar. She didn't fully know why we were in this mad situation, where we both were doing things out of frustration because she didn't know where I was and it was my fault.

We need to grow close again like like good old times. I know these times going to be hard. But we're gonna start by drinking cheap bottles of wine, talking shit all night, like we used to in university.

"Chris, if I had no more time as in, no more time left to be here, like alive on this planet, would you cherish what we had? Would you hold me like this is the last time, kiss me like you'll never see me again, touch me like this is the last time promise that you'll love me? Do we really know what love is?", she finishes by placing her teary face gentlest into her hands. I honestly didn't know how to reply as a strangled smile fell from your face, it kills me that I hurt you this way, the worst part is that I didn't even know.

"There's a million reasons for you to not want me to be in your life but if you can find a for me to stay I'll do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes to turn this around, because I know what's at stake and I know that I've let you down. But if you give me a chance, believe me that I can change and I'll try to keep us together whatever it takes.

She then said, "If we are going to have one more shot at this, if we're gonna make this work we have gotta let each other inside to our thoughts and feelings even though it hurts, we need to show the broken parts that need to be fixed. Like it or not, it's the way it has to be".