I'm your cure [Luke Hemmings au]

Chapter Eighteen

A/N I'm writing this on my ipod so I can't add the bold like usual but just go with it ily, over 300 reads is freakin amazing thankyou guys so much wooo!:*

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*luke's p.o.v.*

I could have sat there all day just holding her in my arms, and after what had just happened, I felt close to her, on a personal level. She'd been through so much with me recently, I couldn't work out how she was managing to cope with all of it. I felt guilty for her having to run into them, for her finding out about Kyle, for her reading the letter I wrote to him. I just can't let her find this.

I pulled the piece of crumpled paper out of my pocket. I knew she would go back and look through my journal which is why after she found it last night I took this out and put it in my desk. She couldn't find my note. Not even she would be strong enough then.

I unfolded the paper in my hands, my hands trembling as I re read the words I knew by heart. I know it has been over a year since I had written it, and I know I'm not going to use it, but I just can't seem to through it away.

Caitlyn had left an hour ago. She only had one lesson today, from 2 till 3 so she said she'd ditch the rest of the day to be with me, but she insisted on catching the bus in for last lesson. So here I am, sat on my bed all alone wishing she was here again, holding me like last night. I missed her touch, her smell, her voice. Her laugh, it sounded so angelic and it always made me smile. I knew it was selfish of me to bring her into my life, putting her at a risk but I knew she could cope, I knew she would make it better, and I knew she understood the issues better than she let on, she knows what to do and she just has that edge to her that tells me she's been through something like it, and that alone makes me want to comfort her and not let her out of my sight.

I looked down and began to read along the scruffy lines. It had been months before my birthday that i had decided to write this, i was so close to it as well. I owed Kyle my life.

Dear Kyle,

i'm guessing you are going to find this since you said you'd come by after school and nobody else is in, but if its not you reading this then i'm sorry. 

You know i haven't been quite right for a while. I'm not sure why. It just happened. I know i shouldn't be, i have everything right? Two loving parents, two loving brothers, five amazing friends. And everyone loves and knows me right?

No not really. I guess i'm just weird, just different. I fit in, but not completely. Like there's just some pieces of me that don't quite go with the rest of you. Not everyone loves me. They hurt me, every day, telling me how worthless and pathetic i am. How i should just die. Well, why don't i?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry it has to be this way. That i'm going to leave you all but its for the best okay? Please don't try and stop me, you know where i''ll be. I just don't have those hopes and dreams like everybody else. I'm not a person. I'm empty. I'm not really here. I'm never myself, just holding up a fake personality like a shield to the world.

I'm sorry this is short. You know i'm not good with words. But i love you, i love you all. And i know you'll be happier without me being such a burden to you all. Take care, stay safe, 

Love Lucas x  

i had been so sure, so sure i was going to go ahead with it. But i just remember his voice. Calling out. I heard it, the sea was pretty calm beneath me. And his arms, wrapping around me, pulling me back off the edge. He wasn't scared to step so close. But i was. I couldn't even get all the way. I had been stood there for twenty minutes already. Stupid. Worthless. Coward. I threw the note to the floor as i slid down the wall, my hand cupping my mouth as the tears spilled onto my cheeks. I brought my knees up to my chest and sat with my head on my knees, trying to stop the crying. I was so stupid and weak, i couldn't believe i was still like this, after all this time. Why couldn't i just get over it. 

I miss Kyle. The thought ran through my head. Yes i had my other friends and my family but i missed Kyle so much. He was gone. He was the only person who knew about that note. The only one that knew what i was doing at the top of a cliff on a sunny afternoon in December. He was the only one that knew how badly i craved pain after he stopped me, the only person who knew about the burns and the scratches. I looked down at my hand, the faint circular scars covering my hand. Most people didn't notice them, you had to know they were there. I could always see them. 

I stood up, hitting my fist into the wall. I needed to toughen up. I heard my mum's car pull up into the drive and i wiped the tears from my eyes, picking up the piece of paper and placing it back into my journal in the bathroom. I checked my reflection before splashing my face with water, clearing the red puffiness from my eyes. 

I heard my phone ring from inside my room, so i stepped out and answered it without checking who was calling.

"Hello?"

"Hey Lukey" the voice giggled. I immediately relaxed

"you okay Caitlyn?"

"yes, i just wanted to make sure you were too! I just finished school and i missed you i guess and ehh well i don't really know i just wanted to talk i guess but i haven't really let you talk have i so far oh dear..." she trailed off. She was so adorable when she was nervous

"hey, its cool sweetie" i chuckled to her

"uhm, after school tomorrow do you wanna do something i mean its Friday so i can do something all night or something uhm" she giggled.

"come back to mine okay, we can leave early since we both have a free. You can stay over if you want to?"

"yes yes, i'll just go tell my mum okay, i'll see you tomorrow, but text me okay?" she asked, sounding nervous again

"yes, i will text you babe, i love you, bye"

"i love you Lukey, bye bye" 

And with that the smile returned to my face.